In the first post in this series I mentioned that having your child’s heart is an important part of Biblical child training and is one of our family’s main goals, but what does it mean? Here are some of the comments from yesterday.
Jama, one of my real life friends, said,
having their hearts means although they may not like our decisions/choices they know that we have their best interest in mind. It means they come to us with questions and problems instead of turning to their peers.
Roan @ The Joyful Johnsons said,
We are to have a whole heart for God, and we need our children’s hearts to lead them to giving their whole heart to God.
Tara @ Too Many Kids in the Bathtub said,
If we are more attentive to our children’s hearts, praising them for good character, then they will more likely want to do the good. And then, when they mess up, they are willing to accept correction! Because they know we love them and want what is best for them.
I also liked what Esther had to say,
to really listen to them, to show them how much we love them, to show them we understand them and we feel them.
So how do you know if you have your child’s heart? Ultimately I believe that if you are a Christian who is seeking wisdom from God in this area that you will know whether or not you have your child’s heart. This is an ongoing process and I don’t believe that we are ever finished winning our children’s heart. Just like any relationship it takes consistent, diligent work but the rewards are beyond measure.
Signs that you have your child’s heart:
- One of your child’s greatest desires is to please you.
- Your child voluntarily thinks of and performs acts of service for you. (This shouldn’t be limited to things that are “fun” for your child. This morning 3 of our children got up early and cleaned the whole upstairs, including dusting, vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms, as a surprise for Mark and me.)
- When you say “no” to your child they accept it cheerfully.
- When you give your child a command or a request they are happy to comply.
- Your child desires to spend time with you.
- Your child takes correction from you with a pleasant or grateful attitude.
- Your child mimics you and/or wants to grow up to be like you.
- Your child comes to you for advice.
Signs that you do not have your child’s heart:
- Your child doesn’t consistently obey.
- Your child obeys, but with a grudging attitude.
- Your child values the opinion of their peers or others above your opinion.
- Your child treats you differently in front of his/her peers.
- Your child says, “But so-and-so says/does/thinks.”
I’m not talking about having children who are sinless, but if you have your child’s heart they should be characterized by these things. Certainly if you see pouting, stomping, arguing or other outward signs of rebellion in a child older than 3-6 you should pray and examine carefully , whether you have your child’s heart.
I often try to measure or gauge it this way, “If my child has fallen into serious sin, would they come to me (or Mark) for help first?” OR “If my child has their heart set on something and Mark and I say ‘no’, will they respect our wishes from their heart, not just on the outside?” If the answer to either of these is no, then we don’t really have their heart.
I believe that God has given children the natural desire to give their hearts to their parents, but there are many, many things that can change, disrupt, or discourage that from happening. There are also many forces that compete for the hearts of our children. (Just read through the Proverbs and look around at our society if you don’t believe me.)
I know that I do not have all the answers and would love for you to share your wisdom and ideas about how we can keep or gain our children’s hearts. What do you think about these lists? Did I miss something? Feel free to join in the discussion. (If you haven’t read Disagreeing with Love and you disagree, you may wish to read that first.)
I will, Lord willing, be posting more on this topic in the upcoming weeks.
You may also be interested in how we implement daily family worship, daily Bible reading as part of our homeschool and why we chose to homeschool.
Other posts in “Your Child’s Heart” series:
- Your Child’s Heart?
- What’s Your Responsibility (Discipline)
- What’s Your Responsibility (Instruction)
- It Requires Time
- Our Insufficiency
- The Pearl’s and Your Child’s Heart
- How do You Find the Time? Part 1
- How do You Find the Time? Part 2
- How do You Find the Time? Part 3
You may also enjoy:
Hi, I'm Kimberly. 
I inadvertently hurt my oldest child’s feelings the other day. He accidentally let the dog out and went after him. It took him a while to get back with him, but it never crossed my mind that he had gotten lost in our neighborhood. (The kids walk to my mom’s, mother-in-law’s, and grandmother’s houses so know the neighborhood pretty well). Anyway, he thought he was lost and was scared and had his feelings hurt that I wasn’t out looking for him. It all worked out alright. He caught the dog in his grandma’s courtyard and borrowed a leash from her. Meanwhile Nana had seen his sister walking looking for her brother and the dog and she took her around until they found him. I was home with the little ones napping and never worried once. The point of that long story is, my son came to me that night and told me it had hurt his feelings and I was able to apologize to him. I was thinking after reading your posts on keeping our children’s hearts that maybe this was a good sign. Rather than becoming bitter and angry, he came to me and told me what was troubling him so I could make it right. I felt bad about hurting him and had had no idea he felt that way. I’m so glad he felt he could talk to me about it.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
I think that is a great example of having your child’s heart!!
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This summer we were in Iowa filming the Fathers of Vision conference and heard Kevin Swanson speak. He refers to “home educating” as “home discipling” (sp?) and I think for so many that is a much better definition of what we are doing with our children in our homes.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Yes, I think the term “home discipling” is more appropriate. I often think that homeschoolers are so focused on academics that they are missing and sometimes sacrificing what is most important. Well, at least what is important to our family.
Home discipling is much more what we are after, the “education” is icing on the cake.
Thanks Anita. I’m hoping you’ll share often as I post this series, please.
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There are cherised quiet times, when one of my sons has my full attention. It is usually at night or when the others are busy playing or doing something else, but there are other times, when it just happens from out of nowhere. One of those occasions my son told me something that happened years ago, but still causing problem for his faith. He used to tell me things about my or his daddy’s behaviour that he didn’t like. Sometimes he is right and sometimes he is not, but I highly appreciate that kind of sincerity, though it doesn’t happen often.
When I read this post it just came in my mind, that ‘winning’ my child’s heart may mean that I need to take the time learning him. Learning who he really is as an individual of God’s: his fears deep down, the things he is enthusiastic about, and what makes him angry or frustrated. This means ‘quality time’ which comes from a lot of time close together. It may sound impossible to accomplish in a large family, but I think it is not. It is about ME being available almost all the time. So if he wants to say something, I am able to listen. And also, it is listening to God’s guidance and praying for that kid. God can lead me to quiet places and He can help blessed coversations. The question is: do I really want to listen or I am too busy, having ‘better’ things to do… That is the thing I am struggling these days, but I am improving… slowly.:)
Sorry to be so looong.:)
Great post again. Thank you.
God bless you:
Hungarian mommy:)
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
I think that you’ve said this beautifully. Perhaps you should be writing these posts. The bottom line, I think, in gaining your child’s heart is loving them and giving ourself to them. We love because Christ loved us and gave Himself for us.
Please don’t apologize for long comments. They are wonderful.
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Wow! These posts are real eye-opening for me! And absolutely perfect timing! My oldest attends public middle school and just recently have I noticed that I don’t have her heart which is so sad for me to admit…I thought I did. As some would say that this is just an act of rebellion and “typical” for tweens/teenagers…I disagree with people when they tell me that…an act of rebellion is normal according to the world’s standards…not Biblical standards. I do have a question though: My daughter wants to do an extracurricular activity at school in addition to the one she already does…I feel like she does enough with school and the other activity that takes up most of her free time anyways. We want her home more to spend quality time with our family…Family and dear friends have told me that I am manipulating her by explaining to her why I don’t want her to participate in this activity and that I am making her feel like she can’t and shouldn’t do the activity (are you still following me??) Anyways, my question basically is how do I explain to her that I am not manipulating her but guiding her as a parent should? I hope this makes sense but I want her and to know that when I do things it is out of love and I have no hidden agendas. Thanks! ~Diana
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I think that I would simply explain it to her just like that and then work on gaining/keeping her heart.
I encourage you to read Esther’s comments on this post and the first one in this series. This is where I plan on going as I continue to post about having your child’s heart. Simply pouring yourself into your children.
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This made me happy and sad. My kids are only 5, 3, and 1 but the 5 year old girl is my hardest. It really made me wonder if U truly have her heart. I will be working on that more for sure. I already here comments like, “I hate myself. I just want to die. No body loves me.” It is usually said when I (gasp) ask her to clean her room or such but it still concerns me a lot. And no I don’t say those things myself so not sure where she got it.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Of course the best thing you can do is pray.
I hope that I will address some of that indirectly in my upcoming posts. If you still have questions feel free to ask.
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I think your lists were very accurate.
Thanks for this series. I love working on gaining the hearts of my children!
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This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much! Sometimes (OK, most of the time) I doubt my ability to homeschool (even though I have a teaching degree:). I get so hard on myself for not living up to my expectations of what I should/could be doing if only… I was more organized, had better resources, could figure out a system that works! Just tonight I was thinking about how they would probably get a better education if they went to school and that I would be less stressed out all of the time, and as a result of that, I would be a better/nicer mommy. Now I realize that I have my priorities ALL wrong! Tomorrow, I will make it my goal and highest priority to simply “have” my children’s hearts… in school, in work, and in play. I believe that could make all the difference in the world. I really needed this encouragement! Thank you!!!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
I have many of those same thoughts.
I think this one of the beautiful things about homeschooling. Even though it seems that they would get a better education elsewhere, that God somehow blesses our faithfulness and multiplies our efforts.
God bless your efforts.
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What if you feel you have lost your child’s heart? How can you get it back? I’m only just starting to homeschool and I think being in the school system has created a lot of bad attitudes in my children. Sometimes they are helpful and obliging and friendly, but other times they are disrespectful and grudgingly obedient and argumentive and resentful. What can I do to regain their hearts?
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
I’m hoping to talk about some of these things. The first thing to remember is that God is gracious and He is the one that controls the heart of the king (and the hearts of our kids). Pray, pray, pray and be obedient to God’s Word. He is the one who blesses us in all things, especially relationships.
When I finish posting on this, I’ll ask for questions, please feel free to ask, if there are things that I didn’t address. (and I’m sure that there will be.)
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your posts made me fall to my knees. this is EXACTLY the reason that we are choosing to homeschool…but i never had the right words for it. it was just this tangible problem that i could go in circles describing but i could never name it. my heart aches for our children. through a series of events over the past two years, we have lost our childrens’ hearts (public school hasn’t helped either).
i know in my heart the steps we need to take to get their hearts back. but i don’t know if we are strong enough to do it. i would ask that you would pray for us in this endeavor, as i will keep all of you in my prayers.
thank you for writing and allowing His grace to move through you!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
You are not strong enough to do it, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
Praise God that you know what to do and beg Him to help you be faithful to what He has called you.
He who began a good work in you will not fail to complete it.
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I am enjoying this series, and I am with Tina: what if you need to win one back? My oldest has been heavily influenced by her dad (my ex). She gets regular, twice-monthly, weekend-long doses of “Your mom is a religious freak, God doesn’t exist, homeschool is stupid, you shouldn’t have to do chores” etc., and let me tell you, it is an UPHILL battle. We spend a lot of time praying, talking, and UNdoing what he does, but it’s not easy. According to the lists above, I don’t have her heart, and it breaks my heart. So I am definitely looking forward to more of this series. And your prayers. Keep up the good work!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 11th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
It is an uphill battle and the biggest answer is prayer. Remember, we serve an all powerful God, nothing is too difficult and it’s never too late.
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I work at a small private Christian school and was wondering if you would allow me to copy short excerpts from your website in our school newsletter? I love what you have to say about our winning children’s hearts! I think this is the most important thing we can do in life:)
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