- Do You Have Your Child’s Heart? Part 1
- Do You Have Your Child’s Heart? Part 2
- Your Child’s Heart: What’s Your Responsibility? Part 1
- Your Child’s Heart: How Do you Find the Time? Part 3
- Your Child’s Heart: What’s Your Responsibility Part 2
- Your Child’s Heart Requires Time
- The Pearls and Your Child’s Heart
- Your Child’s Heart: How do you Find the Time? Part 1
- Your Child’s Heart: How do you Find the Time? Part 2
- Our Insufficiency
First I would like to say that it was not my intent to post about this today or ever, really. However, because of recent events and since I recently posted about discipline, I would simply like to clarify our family’s position on the Pearls.
Before I begin let me clarify my actual, personal experience.
I was given a copy of the Pearl’s book “To Train Up a Child” about 2 years ago. I skimmed the first several chapters and realizing that this was not teaching I agreed with, I put the book away.
So, realizing my limited exposure to their teachings, I would like to share with you why we do not follow nor subscribe to them and why we have never recommended their materials to others.
It is our family’s belief that the ultimate authority on child training (and everything else) is to be found in the Word of God. We believe that the Word of God and a real relationship with Him is sufficient to guide us in all areas of life.
In our opinion the Pearls give directions that are not clearly taught in scripture (at best) or that clearly violate scripture and present them in a manner that can be and sometimes is misleading to those who are not familiar with Biblical teaching. I encourage you to go read “Senseless Deception” for more information about the Pearls and the tragedies that it appears their teaching has caused.
We believe that to regain our culture Christians must begin to think Biblically, that is the hope and intent of this blog, to encourage others to examine every thought and deed in light of God’s Word and then to live out that Word in our life. Do you wonder how to raise your children? Go to the Bible, it really is all you need.
Related posts:
Hmmm, thanks for this post, more and more I have been stumbling across small snippets about “to train up a child…” I was planing for a while to order the book but have since changed my mind…
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Thank you so much for posting this Kimberly.
I had wanted a few of the Pearls’ books for a few years. I signed up to get their monthly magazine, and once I received the 2nd one, my husband and I sat down and read through it together. Then he went through their website. We decided it was NOT for us, and I have silently prayed for others when I have found out they were using the Pearls’ materials.
We discipline biblically and carefully. I have appreciated your series and book recommendation (Tripp) very much. The recent events surrounding the Pearls’ teachings have broken our hearts. I went in to our daughters’ bedroom very late one evening early last week, to find our 12 yr old still awake and crying. She was mourning the death of the 7 yr old little girl in CA. And it was a hard thing…consoling her, and trying to help her understand.
This is a very serious subject, and the fact that you are acknowleding it, and in such a thoughtful way, is what the Christian Community needs.
Thank you again.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I like your words “Biblically and carefully”. Yes, that is what Christians must do.
I honestly believe this all boils down to our (speaking generally of Christians here) ignorance of scripture. We don’t KNOW what God’s Word says and so we are easily led astray.
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Beautifully put. You are a very wise and Godly woman. I have agreed strongly with everything you have posted about discipline. I enjoy the insight of your blog so much! Thanks for sharing Jesus with so many!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Thank you Shannon for taking the time to encourage me. I appreciate any and all prayers for wisdom that you care to offer.
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My husband had the wisdom to “forbid” any Pearl materials in our home after we were exposed to some of their things, as well, and I am so thankful as I learn more and more about their teachings. It is always dangerous when we look to the teachings of man to tell us what they think the Bible says instead of going to the Word of God itself.
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That is well said, Kimberly! I agree with you completely, although I have never heard of the Pearl’s book “To Train Up a Child” before. Now I know that I shouldn’t bother reading it.
Have a terrific Tuesday!
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Thank you for posting this. A family member used the Pearls methods and recommended it to me. One look at their website and some other articles and I knew it wasn’t for us at all. It breaks my heart to see this type of harsh unmerciful discipline being taught to parents who are looking for answers. Thank you for teaching and modeling a better way.
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This is interesting. I knew that the Pearls had a “following”, but I’ve never heard anything that serious happening. We have a lot of their material, but some things I don’t agree with. I tried something they suggested and it didn’t work, it only made things worse. And despite what they said, I DID do exactly what they recommended. Anyway, I haven’t read your series yet on “Your child’s heart”. I’ll have to go back and read it. Thanks for your view on the Pearls.
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After I read about different things happening I was so quick to throw anything I had away. I had been feeling that their teachings weren’t right for some time. I am grateful for this well-worded and wise post.
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Thank you for posting this. I recently finished their book, “Created to be His Help Meet” at a friend’s request/reccommendation, and I was quite concerned about some of their teaching on marriage. I know it is hard to write negative reviews about books. Typically, I’d rather not, but, when the teaching is leading others astray, it is necessary. Thank you for calling parents to look to the truth of God’s Word for direction in training and disciplining their children.
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Totally agree. Throwing out books now. Thanks for speaking out.
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It’s truly frightening how many christians are led off the path so easily. There are some “popular” pastors out there that are leading many down the wrong path as well! It’s so nice when people like you speak out- YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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I had never heard of the Pearls parenting books. I have not been to their site, but I was given the book “created to be his helpmeet”. Actually I only read half. Some parts did seem questionable, but over all I take all things besides the bible with “a grain of salt”, ya know? Anyhow, I so appreciate this post. Now if I am given the parenting book I will politely but firmly say no thank you.
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Thank you for your series on having your child(ren)’s heart and this post as well. My husband and I both believe in the value of bibilcally disciplining our children and realize that it’s a process that requires God in the center of it all. We have also read Ted Tripps’ book Sherparding A Child’s Heart and have really learned alot more than we thought we knew.
Anyhow, it’s refreshing reading your posts and hearing from your heart the things that God has pressed upon it. Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom with us!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
It requires “God in the center of it all.” Yes, He is the only one who can change hearts and that is ultimately what we want. We can only obey Him and trust that He will bring about that miraculous change in His time and in His way.
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Kimberly,
Thank you, and may God bless you for not remaining silent on this! I was so happy to see someone with a voice such as yours speak out in such a way as this.
Dawn
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Thank you Dawn.
Hope to see you all in a few weeks for the spring conference.
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Thank you for adding your voice in defense of children against the Pearls’unbiblical teaching. May I affirm as well, that in going to the Bible to know how to raise our children, we must go to the entire Word of God. The grace of the gospel is the meta narrative of Scripture from beginning to end, and all of Scripture must be understood in the context of that meta narrative. Adding up all the verses on families and child rearing is not the sum of what God wants us to understand about those subjects. It is far more than principles and admonitions. That’s a poorly articulated paraphrase from Ted Tripp who also says that the job of a parent is to embed his child’s story in the bigger story of God. The rich young ruler may have been his earthly father’s delight because of his good behavior and attention to the law, but Jesus knew his heart. It is far easier to raise rich young rulers than to nurture and care for the heart of a child.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Yes, Mary you are exactly right. We must look to the whole Bible. This is where I think so many Christians are easily led astray. They really aren’t familiar with the whole Bible and so they simply default to what is taught in a parenting book.
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Thank you for sharing this. . .
The other day we had an “incident” with a child that required some intense time of discipleship and discipline. And in the moment, God showed me once again how much I really MUST rely upon Him — in the moment, for each child, seeking Him, relying on the Holy Spirit. In the moment, it isn’t easy. In the moment, I often just want my kids to “shape up”. But as you know, that so easily leads to a performance mentality. But it is the Holy Spirit who works on the heart — both my child’s and my own.
Grace and hope,
TG
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Thank you for making me aware of this issue!
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i do not believe in god (but in the human soul) and this is not my point, i just hope you accept my opinion anyways…
i think the passages about discipline in the bible leads many people to misinterpretations. and i think it is tragic that people beat their children to death in the name of god.
if i remember correctly god loves children and values them. then why do you have to use physical violence to “teach” them?
i know that there are phrases in the bible that imply that physical violence is to be used, but after all we live in modern times where we know that violence harms childrens souls.
i never have raised a hand against mine, i tell and explain them in WORDS why their behaviour is unacceptable and do not have to work with fear of punishment, but with true understanding on the kids side.(and they are well behaved *g*)
i know that i am probably disregarded right away because i do not really fit into your readers cycle, but i like some of your creative ideas and stuff.
i just cannot get around the fact that your children had to endure physical violence, how well meant it was anyways.
i mean the bible (even if it was dictated to moses by god) was written and collected in archaic times.(at least the older part of it)
in germany, where i come from, violence against children (even a slap on the cheek) is regarded as a crime, and i think it is.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Barbara, I appreciate you taking the time to comment and express your opinion.
I wrote a post about the procedures for argument here at Raising Olives titled “Disagreeing with Love” where I state that I welcome disagreement and discussion as long as it is done in love (I believe that yours is) and I also mention that the only standard for discussion here is God’s Word.
If you encourage others to disregard God’s Word, then your argument does not have a place here at Raising Olives. I’m glad that you are here and that you find some things useful, but the audience that I write to is Christian and a Christian does not have the option to simply disregard God’s Word.
I hope that you understand my position on this point. Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
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barbara Reply:
March 4th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
yes it was definitely with love and not with evil intentions, what i wrote. me not being religious does not mean i do not value others religions and i understand where you are coming from.
and i mean everyone can see and read here on this blog that you are a doting mom. if i would not think highly of you i would not visit this blog.
and i do understand that you live by the bible.
but the bible for example also “talks” about stoning or other things one cannot think of as good.
i share your point that children need loving discipline and consequence.
but in the same way as you would surely not advocate stoning a woman which is not a virgin in her wedding night (as it says in Deuteronomy 22:13-21 )
in christian faith this woman has sinned but nowadays she would find other redemption than being stoned.
i personally always read the bible (as a child when i believed in god and went to church) as a book that explains things and often uses parables and other ways to describe things.
i took the “rod” always as a paraphrase for punishment/chastiting etc. in a general way.
and i personally always took notice that the bible, as i said before was written in archaic times where disciplinary methods such as e.g. timeouts where not established but physical punishment was.
i hope now you can understand better where i am coming from, although i also understand that we are from different cultures and have different beliefs.
i regard it highly that you answered me, which shows me that you are a respectable and honest person because you could just have ignored my post. so thank you very much.
and i especially like that you are a critical person and that you dissaprove of the pearls and wrote this review because as we both agree upon this has nothing ( or not much) to do with christianity.
i hope i didn`t come around as unfriendly or harsh because this is not my native language and this limits my possibilities to express myself.
if some of my sentences lack politeness i am very sorry because i did not want to be disrespectful but just share my look on things.
(and i am obvs. very talkative *hehe*)
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i wanted to add that i SEE the difference between your method and the perls method (these people should be locked up)if that was unclear
as i said even a slap is violence in my eyes.
i did not want to imply that you are hitting your children or anything.
my point is just, that if nobody would discipline a child physically there would be no possibility of crossing the line. but in many households “light” discipline is unfortunately usual but where is the line, is it at the moment the child is bruised, should there be an age limit, and why?
who tells you when to stop?
there is a gray area and parents like you know where to stop but others are more easily influenced
i think solving problems physically shows weakness.
i experienced slight violence in my childhood (some slaps on the cheek avery month or so) and i still have not forgotten the hurt it caused in me.
i behaved of course so i am not beaten or yelled at again but out of fear, not out of understanding ( and remember these were more or less painless slaps)
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>>>The rich young ruler may have been his earthly father’s delight because of his good behavior and attention to the law, but Jesus knew his heart. It is far easier to raise rich young rulers than to nurture and care for the heart of a child.<<>>In the moment, I often just want my kids to “shape up”. But as you know, that so easily leads to a performance mentality. But it is the Holy Spirit who works on the heart — both my child’s and my own.<<<TulipGirl
Oh, how convicting! How challenging! How encouraging!! I'm a "red pen, list making, git 'er done" kind of person, and it's so easy for me to see the raising of a 'rich young ruler' as the goal. BUT IT'S NOT! How thankful I am for the slow, patient, on-going work of the Holy Spirit in my life, and in the lives of my children and husband.
Thank you all for sharing out of the wisdom He has grown in you!
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you know it took me a long time to be able to say i do not agree with there teachings totally. i met them several years ago and i have to say if you ever meet him you will think he is a big teddy bear. we did realize that all of teaching was not for us. i would love to know some of your teaching tips. like how do you handle back talking or lying or what about just laziness. i have been to your blog several times but am looking forward to going back through your blog more
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Thank you Pam.
Honestly we try to handle those things as much as we can by what we are taught in God’s Word.
I think Tulip Girl made a great point, each situation calls for parental wisdom and prayer and applying what God has revealed to us in His Word.
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Thank you for adding your voice. God bless you!
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This is really interesting to me. I’m a young mom, and was introduced to the Pearl’s ministry by my sister-in-law when my oldest was 20 months old. I was at my wits end with him and realizing how little I actually knew about discipline. I scoured the Bible and scanned the internet for Christian sites–everything from Gentlechristianmothers.com to, eventually, the Pearl’s site: nogreaterjoy.org. All I had to go on was that my SIL’s family of origin was the most joyful, most happy, most industrious, most well-behaved, most mission-minded and servant-oriented family I had ever met. She attributed it to how they were raised, and it was very closely to the Pearl “method”. I knew I wanted children like theirs–I’d never seen such joy in any family. All eight children grew up to love the Lord mightily, and they are now serving him all over the globe.
I have mixed feelings on the Pearl’s teachings. For a first-time mom, they confused me greatly and I found myself being too harsh in my discipline and too legalistic in my application. But the years that followed my initial introduction made me wiser, as I grew in the Lord and began to confidently discern what to receive from a teaching, and what to throw away.
What has kept me coming back to their materials is the joy. Simple concepts such as, “smile at your children” may seem common sense, but to me, they were life-changing. Smile at your kids. Enjoy your kids. Laugh, play, delight in them thoroughly. These themes are the backbone of their teaching, and allow everything “harsher” they say to fall into proper perspective. When I missed those themes, I was harsh. When I realized it was the POINT of what they were saying, I truly began to transform into a joy-filled, happy mama, enjoying my kids immensely.
I know joy is not found in some man’s teaching, but for me, joy was discovered through the Pearl’s words. It was the venue God used to capture my heart for motherhood and wife-hood, and I am forever grateful.
It is hard for me to recommend their writings to others because of the propensity to take it more harshly than one ought. I always tell someone, if the subject arises, to take it with a grain of salt: the writers are from an earlier generation, live in an Amish community, and have a more “hillbillly” way of speaking than most folks I know. The culture difference may have a lot to do with the misunderstandings that arise.
So all that said, thanks for your words on making decisions via the Word of God and a relationship with him. I appreciate that greatly.
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Amanda Reply:
August 7th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I have just been discovering the Pearls’ child training material after “Created to be his Helpmeet” was instrumental in changing my heart, life and marriage. I ENTIRELY agree with this post–my son has just turned one, and it is tremendously helpful and informative. The recent tragedies are, obviously, sick and sad….however, as Christians we must remember that we have a very real Enemy who loves nothing more than to take Truth and twist it. If he can destroy a few children/families in the meantime, all the better. My husband and I will continue to study the Pearls’ materials along with Tripps (which we love), and the works of many other authors; we will then concentrate on submitting our parenting to the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
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I’ll admit I read and went along with many things they said until God brought a real wake up call in my own life.
Those around me still want me to follow the Pearl’s advice and it’s hard to have them think I am being “unbiblical” and “wrong.” However, I’m thankful for the peace that I have now that I have prayed about God wants for my family.
They are so dogmatic in areas the Lord was never dogmatic in, and that’s a scary place to be.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
I think that you hit the nail on the head about them being dogmatic in areas that our Lord was never dogmatic. That is a VERY scary place to be.
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Hello Kim and readers! I just wanted to say, Kim, that I really enjoy your blog and have been lurking around for a while. Your family is encouraging and I have been sharing your “Do you have your child’s heart?” series with some friends.
The Pearls also have been an encouragement to me, I have to admit. Like Harmony two posts above me wrote, the theme I have heard over and over through their writings is “joy” and “fellowship” and needing to have a relationship with your children in order for them to be who you and God want to see them become. Another thing that has really benefited me is learning the difference between training and discipline. One thing that I remember most clearly is them writing “everyday, look your child in the eyes and tell them how much you love them.”
I appreciate your honesty in how much of the Pearls you had read, or had not read. But I think if someone read the bulk of their child training materials, and not just an article or two, they would understand that the Pearls’ hearts are for fellowship and peace, not punishment.
I read the article you referenced called “Senseless Deception” and I think that the Pearls would be just as horrified by the tragedies there as I was. To attribute that attitude to their philosophies, to me, is akin to saying that the pastor who preaches that homosexuality is not from God can be blamed for someone in his congregation hanging a homosexual. All things can be misused and abused because of sin, including the Bible in many sects and cults.
That said, the Pearls are NOT the word of God, and not every parent will benefit from them. You are absolutely right on in admonishing your readers to look to the Word as the first and final authority on child-training. But I think it is good to be careful not to speak ill of another believer and a ministry that has born good fruit in many lives.
Sincerely,
Corrie
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 7th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Corrie,
Thank you for your kind and respectful comment.
Even though I have not read the majority of the Pearl’s writings, I have read enough to make the claims that I made. I am not attributing any attitude to the Pearls. I am simply saying that they hold beliefs that are contrary to Scripture and then tell parents that these teachings must be used as the standard for parenting.
Here are two of their teachings that are contrary to Scripture.
Contrary to this idea, the Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death and that the only thing that can cleanse us of sin is the blood of our Saviour Christ Jesus. If our indebtedness could be “paid in full” by a “little switch”, then Christ’s death on the cross was unnecessary. The Pearl’s statement strikes at the very core of Biblical salvation.
The Pearls say,
The Bible says,
While it is true that even Biblical teaching can be distorted and taken out of context, the Pearls begin with many teachings that are unbiblical and then hold them up as a standard that must be followed to be considered a “fit” parent. This is not something that I can support or recommend, but it is something that requires a Biblical response.
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Thank you for giving some clear-cut examples of the dangers in the Pearl’s child training books. We had people give us their books (oldest son was on the autism spectrum, need I say more?!) and while there are some valuable principles in the books, I have long said that for those who are insecure, followers of man rather than followers of God etc. etc. MP’s books pose a huge danger. Only God can give us specifics on how exactly to parent each of our own children. Only God can speak specifics into our hearts and minds when we are in the heat of a issue with our child. And He will do it if we are asking and seeking Him. And what He tells us may be so incredibly wild . . . but work like a charm! One thing I know . . . God will NEVER tell us to beat our children for two days just because they mis-pronounced a word. Had these parents sought God’s face for their children, rather than relying on their own wisdom (which led them to swallow hook, line and sinker the extremes in MP’s books evidently) things could have been SO much different. It is a heart-breaking situation on every level.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
I agree. God has laid out the principles for Biblical discipline His Word and then He has given the responsibility for carrying out that discipline to the people that love those little children more than anyone else in the world, their parents.
God gives us each wisdom and insight into our own children.
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Amen, sister.
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I have friends that will see these bks and those of another Christian parenting author couple for sale 2nd hand and will buy them and dispose of them so they won’t fall into the hands of other parents. Hee-hee.
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I want to thank you for your thoughtful words regaurding the Pearls and their ideas and books. I too have been given their To Train Up A Child and Created to Be His Helpmeet. I have to say, I loved Helpmeet. It helped me better understand marriage and the role I play as a wife. However, To Train Up a Chlid was the opposite. I read it carefully, even thought a lot of it was good sound advice, and like you said I didn’t have much of a Bible background or knowledge to know what I needed to know. I did pray about it though and went ahead and set the book aside without finishing. I agree with you and your parenting style. Extremely biblical and Holy Spirit led. Thank you for your post about this subject.
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