I read the Pearl’s books when my oldest was 4, she’s 10 now. I retained their training methods, but remembered none of their love/joy emphasis, although, I’m sure it was in there. What I think is hardest about trying to raise children in their way is that it made me feel like my children had to perform as perfect obedient children in public or everyone would think I was a terrible parent, and that I had the right to think the same of others.
I knew that although they had some great ideas, something just wasn’t working out with how they said things would. Before I read their books I as a merciful, fun-loving mom, with 3 children (the oldest being 4). I enjoyed my children although they oldest was a handful. After their books my children were under control but I didn’t feel like I could enjoy them anymore.

It has been several years now and their teachings have worn off, but parts have remained. I am going to re-examine my beliefs with scripture only (which thankfully I am well versed in) and pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in my parenting and ENJOYMENT of my children.

Thank you SO much. What led me to this post today was:
1. My online bible wouldn’t load
2. So I read your RSS feed on “Public Schools and the decline of Christianity in America”, which I knew I would agree with and figured would include some scripture.
3. Which led me to “Why We Homeschool” and “Your child’s heart: Instruction”, then to “Your child’s heart and the Pearl’s”

I am overwhelmed with gratefulness at your posting about your child’s heart. I could always tell from your blog that you must be more interested in your children’s hearts than in a discipline method like the Pearl’s but I did not know how to get from their type of discipline to a more merciful way. I knew I should be walking out Deut 6 type instructing instead of always disciplining, but wasn’t sure how. This helped:

“I can not diligently teach God’s Word to my children if I’m not paying attention to them, listening to them, talking to them.”

Thank you. Less discipline is needed when you pay attention to your children. Thanks!

I know this was written some time ago, but I wanted to comment on your comments.

I used to be very opposed to any sort of physical discipline and felt it was very violent and shouldn’t ever be used. However, I began to understand (through God’s guidance and life situations) that not every child is the same. Most people who chose to spank do so out of love for their children and an interest to protect them and teach them. I think we can agree that when we go through a situation (even as adults) that is uncomfortable and not quickly forgotten we tent to retain those lessons far longer than if it is just moved on from.

My husband and I do chose to spank our boys for direct acts of defiance. Meaning they know the rules, they have been warned (unless an immediately dangerous situation), and they have made a choice not to obey us…then they are spanked. We do not plan to continue spanking past the age of 5-6 (but we’re nowhere near that yet so that could change). This means, for instance, if our children know that they are not to pull things off the counter and they do it anyway, they get a spanking. The fear is that they could pull something down that could do them severe harm. When they are old enough to reach the counter, they’re old enough to understand the rule. Another spank-worthy offense is not listening to directions (after a warning and a chance to listen/respond again)–if this happens on the street or while playing they could be killed.

While spanking may not be neccessary for every child, my children do NOT respond well to time-outs. I do implement time outs as a way to help my oldest son refocus since I understand that is his problem (we suspect he is autistic) and time out is where he goes when he doesn’t do things like pick up his toys when asked, doesn’t use an inside voice inside, hits his brother (I don’t use physical punishment to punish physical violence between siblings), or throws a tantrum. These are instances where he needs a chance to calm down and then we can discuss what happened.

You are correct in saying that many Christians utilize the verse about sparing the rod and spoiling the child. But, as Christians, we need to look at the whole narrative of the Bible…this means also examining how God himself punished His people for misdeeds. This was generally through physical pain/experience. And so, should a Christian choose it, spanking or other forms of physical reprimand is appropriate to teach a lesson. However it doesn’t give anyone the right to beat a child or be overly aggressive with them to make a point as that would not aid in being able to teach them to behave differently.

Not sure if that makes a lot of sense, but I hope you understand what I’m saying.

Also, I agree with what Kimberly has said. And no one (that I can see) is saying that this is the ONLY way to effectively parent a child and raise them well. As you said your children are well bahaved without the need to spank. However, my children are not and need physical correction in some ways. Especially my son we suspect of autism. It interrupts his thoughts and is uncomfortable enough to allow him to then listen to us and pay attention to what we are saying (whereas in the middle of a fit or when he gets distracted we could talk till we were blue in the face and he would never acknowledge it).

Yes, I know that my children will remember these corrections, but I also strive to make sure they remember why they happened as well as we ALWAYS take time to explain any form of correction afterward. Kisses and hugs also happen afterward so they know that we don’t do this out of pleasure or because we don’t love them. I think that intent also shines through when we, as Christians, allow God to direct our paths. If God is directing us, and we are paying attention, then our children will see that and understand. I’m sure there are Christians out there who, just like non-Christians, should NOT spank their children…for instance those who have difficulty with controlling anger or have been victims of violence in their past and may be less sensitive to it. But that, again, doesn’t make it wrong in every instance.

Hope this helps you understand where some of us come from in discipline.

Bri

God gives us each wisdom and insight into our own children.

Thank you for your kind and respectful comment.

Even though I have not read the majority of the Pearl’s writings, I have read enough to make the claims that I made. I am not attributing any attitude to the Pearls. I am simply saying that they hold beliefs that are contrary to Scripture and then tell parents that these teachings must be used as the standard for parenting.

If you do not see the wisdom in what I have said, and you reject these concepts, you are not fit to be a parent. I pity your children. They will never experience the freedom of soul and conscience that mine do. ~Michael Pearl

Here are two of their teachings that are contrary to Scripture.

Parents hold in their hands (in the form of a little switch) the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid in full. ~Michael and Debi Pearl, TTUAC

Contrary to this idea, the Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death and that the only thing that can cleanse us of sin is the blood of our Saviour Christ Jesus. If our indebtedness could be “paid in full” by a “little switch”, then Christ’s death on the cross was unnecessary. The Pearl’s statement strikes at the very core of Biblical salvation.

The Pearls say,

Never threaten, and never show mercy. One squeak of a scream gets a switching. (NGJ, Vol 1, pg 26) emphasis mine

The Bible says,

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. ~Matthew 5:7

He (the righteous) is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed. ~Psalm 37:26

For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. ~James 2:13

While it is true that even Biblical teaching can be distorted and taken out of context, the Pearls begin with many teachings that are unbiblical and then hold them up as a standard that must be followed to be considered a “fit” parent. This is not something that I can support or recommend, but it is something that requires a Biblical response.

The Pearls also have been an encouragement to me, I have to admit. Like Harmony two posts above me wrote, the theme I have heard over and over through their writings is “joy” and “fellowship” and needing to have a relationship with your children in order for them to be who you and God want to see them become. Another thing that has really benefited me is learning the difference between training and discipline. One thing that I remember most clearly is them writing “everyday, look your child in the eyes and tell them how much you love them.”

I appreciate your honesty in how much of the Pearls you had read, or had not read. But I think if someone read the bulk of their child training materials, and not just an article or two, they would understand that the Pearls’ hearts are for fellowship and peace, not punishment.

I read the article you referenced called “Senseless Deception” and I think that the Pearls would be just as horrified by the tragedies there as I was. To attribute that attitude to their philosophies, to me, is akin to saying that the pastor who preaches that homosexuality is not from God can be blamed for someone in his congregation hanging a homosexual. All things can be misused and abused because of sin, including the Bible in many sects and cults.

That said, the Pearls are NOT the word of God, and not every parent will benefit from them. You are absolutely right on in admonishing your readers to look to the Word as the first and final authority on child-training. But I think it is good to be careful not to speak ill of another believer and a ministry that has born good fruit in many lives.

Sincerely,
Corrie

Those around me still want me to follow the Pearl’s advice and it’s hard to have them think I am being “unbiblical” and “wrong.” However, I’m thankful for the peace that I have now that I have prayed about God wants for my family.

They are so dogmatic in areas the Lord was never dogmatic in, and that’s a scary place to be.

Hope to see you all in a few weeks for the spring conference.

Honestly we try to handle those things as much as we can by what we are taught in God’s Word.

I think Tulip Girl made a great point, each situation calls for parental wisdom and prayer and applying what God has revealed to us in His Word.