Before our marriage Mark and I decided to trust God with planning our family. We would allow Him to bless us with children when and how He wished.
However, after the very difficult birth that we experienced with Matthew, Mark and I began to doubt. God had blessed us with 3 children in two and a half years. With each pregnancy I experienced significant morning sickness well past the traditional first 12-14 week range. Now I was still recovering from a difficult birth and I was tired and overwhelmed with our houseful of toddlers. We certainly couldn’t handle another child as close together as the first three had been.
We had allowed God to plan our family thus far, but now in this place, in the midst of this situation, it didn’t seem as if He knew what He was doing.
Of course that is not how we expressed it. Our thoughts and feelings were couched in much more acceptable terms:
- “God has given us the intelligence to know how much we can handle and He has given us the means to space our children.”
- “God wants us to be responsible and risking another pregnancy soon after such a difficult birth wouldn’t be healthy and our kids need a healthy mom.”
- “God has called me to be a mom to 3 young children, I can’t possibly do that well if I’m struggling with morning sickness.”
We convinced ourselves that we were simply trying to obey God by being good stewards, preserving life and health and doing a good job with what He had already entrusted to us. We had excellent reasons for not trusting God, we were being responsible.
We were still open to the blessing of children, we just wanted more space between them. By the time Matthew was three weeks old, we realized we were making a mistake.
Not allowing God to control the spacing of our children flew in the face of what we said we believed.
We believe in the sovereignty of God and we believe that He says that children are His blessing. If God is in control of all things AND if children are His blessing, then there was no reason to purposely avoid having children. God is not surprised at any of our circumstances and He is not going to accidentally give us more than we can handle.
The only reason that we wished to take back this control is that, when push came to shove, it was hard to be obedient.
- Our desired action said we didn’t believe that God is sovereign. Perhaps He didn’t foresee our specific situation. He didn’t understand what we could handle, didn’t care about my health or perhaps He just didn’t know how hard pregnancy and child birth would be.
- Our desired action said we didn’t believe God when He says that children are a blessing. We had accepted the notion that accepting the life that God SOVEREIGNLY and miraculously creates in the womb is only a ‘good idea’ if it doesn’t interfere with our ‘good life’. We accepted the idea that life is only a blessing if we have the energy, desire and means that we think it will require.
By the time Matthew was 3 weeks old we realized that we simply could not reconcile our beliefs with the action that we wanted to take and so we relinquished our perceived control and turned our family size back over to our sovereign God.
Lord we believe, help Thou our unbelief. Sometimes believing feels like stepping off a cliff.
I thought that I couldn’t handle another child so close together, I thought that I couldn’t manage our three young children with morning sickness and I thought that my body needed a rest from pregnancy.
And God laughed at my thoughts.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~Is. 55:8-9
His way was more wonderful, more marvelous and more amazing than anything we had considered.
His plan was Alyssa.
Alyssa was born 14 months after Matthew, our smallest gap between children.
His plan included a pregnancy with NO morning sickness. (The only pregnancy out of 10 that I wasn’t sick.) His plan included an uncomplicated, easy birth after three very difficult births. His plan included a happy, easy-going baby and friends and resources that enabled me to thrive with four children 3 and younger whereas I had struggled with three children.
After Alyssa was born, we realized our pride and arrogance. We thought that we knew better than God. Alyssa was God’s kind and gracious message to us that He does know, He is good and He can be trusted.
Mark and I did not know what the future held and yet, based on our small and incomplete understanding of what we thought would happen, we wanted to take things into our own hands. We wanted to create our idea of a perfect life rather than being willing to accept the life that God had for us.
We are desperately grateful that God did not allow us to “lean on our own understanding”. We call Alyssa our sunshine and if you’ve ever met her, you understand. Alyssa brings so much light and joy into our home and yet, if we had had our way, if we had made the choice that we wanted to make, she would not be.
People often ask if we have ever struggled with our decision to allow God to plan our family. Yes, we’ve struggled, but Alyssa is our living, breathing testimony to the fact that God is good, that He knows what is best and that we can safely and confidently trust in Him.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but every one’s life has trials and struggles and we are blessed with ours.
You may also enjoy:
My granddaughter(2) is in daycare/preschool and she has completely changed. She has become aggressive and when my son picks her up she is more than ready to leave. And it is suppose to be a good preschool-in a home-teaching them Spanish,etc. Then I watch her in the late afternoon. My beautiful daughter-in-law thinks this is a good thing. Hannah is constantly sick and then the baby cousins get sick from her. Someone we know put her son in preschool then she became sick from him just before she was due to give birth. She was worried about the newborn baby. Little ones need to be home with their mothers all day/every day where God intended them to be not in a socialist preschool. Nancy Cambell(author of Be Fruitful and Multiply) did a comparison of sheep(lambs)mothers and goat mothers(kids)-it was interesting.
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I recommend the book The Way Home by Mary Pride and its sequel. Let us NOT be lukewarm Christians-Revelation 3:16. My husband and his sister are “Irish twins”-they are 10 months apart-for one month every year they are the same age. They were bottle-fed. My brother and I are 13 months apart(bottle-fed). I was just telling my son how when I was young I enjoyed visiting my Catholic school friends that had big families-here on Long Island.
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I’m turning 40 this Sunday, I’ve got six wonderful children, the youngest of whom is 13 months old (oldest is almost 13 years old), and I hope and pray I’ll even be able to have more children. I would’ve loved to have my children spaced closer together. We experienced 2 miscarriages before our youngest, too. My point is, God doesn’t always operate the way we THINK He “should”, or even the way He has in the past, even in our own families. He could send 4 children very close together, then close your womb. We do not know the plans He has for us, but He does, and HE CAN ALWAYS BE TRUSTED.
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Jehn Reply:
January 17th, 2012 at 9:16 am
Hi Sheila,
I am 41 and pregnant with #5. My oldest children are 15 and 11, while my youngest are 2.5 and 15 months. The “gap” has proved to be such a blessing as I have the help and confidence of my two older daughters. While I try not to place too much responsibility for their younger siblings on them, the older ones tend to just jump in graciously. Nice to meet you : )
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Sheila, Mom to Seven Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Hi, Jehn. Now 41 and seventh child is 3 months old.
Living for Jesus is such an adventure!
Blessings to you.
Sheila
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That happened to us.We had 4 children then 7 years went by. I had a dream that I would have a girl then a boy-and told everyone the names I had chosen-Angela and Michael. Isn’t that called secondary infertility? I didn’t conceive in my forties. I conceived between 18 and 38-breastfeeding until they were around 2 years-all 6 children. My last two are three years apart-both born in April. We do as the Duggars do(page 41)-Lev.12-abstaining for 40 days after a boy and 80 days after a girl. We had 4 sons.
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You know I should print this out or bookmark it and re-read it whenever my “clever” reasonings surfaces
Thanks for the reminder again that He knows best!
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Wow! Thank you for sharing your journey. I am really struggling with this. When my husband and I first got married we only wanted to 2 kids.I hate even saying it like that, but that’s where I was. It was all about ME and MY plans. However, as I grew in my faith, I realized that I was not allowing God to have complete authority of every area of my life. He broke my heart, convinced me of my pride and now I am a homeschooling mommy to 4 children all under the age of six and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
I love big families (though very small compared to yours), but now I find myself at the same crossroads. I ended up getting back on birth control (which I have also wrestled with for various reasons, but have never really taken the time to fully explore). However, I am not sure that we are convinced that we are done.
I have always wanted to foster or adopt even before we had children of our own. It has been a huge burden on my heart so that is something weighing heavy on me too. If we add to our family from fostering or adopting and then have additional children of our own how will we be good stewards of those blessings~how can we appropriately and realistically provide for them?
I am just so confused at where God’s sovereignty is and the ability to take advantage of modern medicine? I am assuming you wouldn’t agree with natural family planning either? I wrestle with how far this goes i.e. does this mean that I wouldn’t allow my child meds either should they need it, because God is sovereign and can heal?”
My husband and I are praying through and seeking the Lord’s direction about all of this right now. As I type this my eyes are filling up with tears and I don’t even know why!! Uggh!! I am really wrestling with all of this and I guess ultimately at the root of it all is a heart that is filled with fear. Fear and confusion. Sorry if I rambled. If you have any recommendations on any material I can read, please feel free to share. I am open to exploring and always willing to allow God to work out the “me” corners of my heart.
Mel
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 12th, 2011 at 11:43 am
This is a big issue that each couple must work through on their own.
I will make one comment about using medicine to combat disease or illness. Throughout Scripture children are described as God’s blessing, whereas illness is clearly part of God’s judgment on a fallen and sinful world. Jesus welcomed the little children, while He and His disciples spent much of their time combating and healing physical ailments.
Christians are commanded to be fruitful and multiply and to preserve and improve life. So where using medicine to cure illness is in line with what the Bible requires of Christians, using medicine to prevent conception is not.
We think that medicine should be used to help our bodies function as they were designed by our almighty creator, not to prevent their proper functioning.
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Thanks for taking the time to respond. This is definitely a good point you bring up and probably the very reason why I have struggled with birth control in the first place. I’ve just never really had to explore it up until now. As we continue to seek His heart, we’re confident God will lead us as He always has.
Look forward to keeping up with you blog! ; )
Mel
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I have 6 children from 9 years old to 10 months. I was pregnant and feeling burnt out, and my husband and I decided he would have a vasectomy while I was pregnant, as soon as our 6th child was born, we both had regret for that decision.
We have both prayed that god will give us more children, and have seriously discussed getting a vasectomy reversal.
I know this sounds so wishy washy, but we both love children. Does the Bible say anything about our predicament, any advice?
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
March 25th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
First remember that our God is gracious and that He works everything together for our good and His glory. Next trust your husband and follow his leadership.
I think that this is one of those situations where God calls different people to different courses of action. We have a number of friends who have had reversals, some God has blessed with more children and others He has not. We also have friends who have been unable to have a reversal for a variety of reasons. I believe that God will give you the wisdom to make this decision that He has placed in front of you.
May He grant you His peace.
Blessings.
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Jonnie Bernier Reply:
April 12th, 2011 at 2:57 am
Kim-
first of all thank you for your blog, you are a wonderful writer, and I am sure an inspiration to many. You should seriously consider writing a book, in your spare time of course, ha ha!
I just wanted to let you know that my husband decided to have a reversal and left this evening to fly to Oklahoma. He went by himself, and I hope all goes well. I am a little nervous about continueing to have children as I am almost 38, but I pray the lord will allow us to have 2 more.
thank you for being an insiration to many.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Jonnie,
Thank you for taking the time to give me an update. I pray the surgery went well and that God will see fit to bless you with more children.
Blessings,
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Jonnie Bernier Reply:
June 14th, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Kim- I am so excited, I just found out two nights ago we are pregnant. Thank you for your prayers.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
June 15th, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Congratulations. May God bless you with a healthy pregnancy and baby!
I have been studying the bible, and I have come to believe we can trust God with this decision. I’m in a bit of a different situation though. I take medicine for a medical condition, and it causes birth defects and miscarriages. Through prayer, I felt that God was leading us to have another child, so we stopped the medicine to do that. I would love to not go back on the medicine and just let God decide. That would mean letting my disease take over my body, and I would not be very good at functioning as a homeschool mom. I believe if we are seeking Him prayerfully, he will tell us when we should have more.
I just wondered what your thoughts are on that, as well as for families who have little to no income.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
April 13th, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Jennifer,
I believe that God gives each family wisdom to face the choices that He puts in front of them and know that God has and will continue to give you and your husband guidance as you walk the path He has laid in front of you.
When it comes to families with little to no income, we’ve been there. Our family would be much smaller if we had chosen to wait until we had an “adequate income”.
Matt. 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?”
Wealth is all a matter of perspective 1 Tim. 6:8 “if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content”
Throughout Scripture God assures us of His provision for our physical needs. Start at the above passage in Matthew and read the whole context, Ps. 37:25 and many, many more.
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I completely agree. I’ve seen God provide firsthand. I was thinking more about, say government assistance. Are we bad witnesses to non-christians to continue to have children while accepting assistance? That is what I have struggled with. We don’t abuse the system, but I also can’t imagine giving it all up as then we would have no insurance. So I’ve been seeking Godly guidance on the subject. Thank you for your thoughts.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
April 21st, 2011 at 7:40 am
Jennifer,
I absolutely agree that we are a bad witness to unbelievers if we take government assistance. Period. No matter whether we have more children while doing it or not. For some of the same reasons that I mention in my post about public schools, (theft and constitutionality) our family does not believe that it is biblical for Christians to take money from the federal government.
We believe that Scripture clearly teaches where provisions should come from and places the responsibility for caring for physical needs of the family first on the immediate family, then the extended family and lastly on the church. 1 Tim. 5 speaks of this(note verse 8 ) and then as I mentioned in my last comment, chapter 6 tells us what is necessary, food and clothing.
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I know this is an old post but God is really dealing with me in this area. I am 3 months post-partum with my 4th child, of which has some medical needs. While I believe children are a blessing and I will not tell him “no more” I am really struggling with how I can say that and then in the next breath tell him “no more right now Lord”. Either I trust Him or I don’t, right?
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I’m so very curious….I have 3 children, 2 in the kitchen and one in heaven (MC this Spring) and they would have all been just under 4 years when the baby was due (Nov)…roughly all 21-23 months apart. My question is regarding BF…do you get pregnant so soon, even while nursing? I’ve gotten pregnant as soon as I could each time…so I guess my question is how does nursing fit into your story? Thanks!
Also, I hope to have many more children and I’m really enjoying your blog; very inspiring!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
June 27th, 2011 at 9:10 am
Yes, I’ve gotten pregnant while nursing.
With most of our children I’ve gotten pregnant while nursing, before starting any solids or supplements of any kind and still getting up several times during the night to nurse the baby. As a matter of fact, other than my first pregnancy I’ve never gotten pregnant when I wasn’t breastfeeding.
God is in control. My experience will not be like your experience, will not be like my neighbors experience because we are all different parts of God’s body. When I conceive and when you conceive is not purely a result of human action and biology, but rather the hand of a sovereign God who works all things together for good.
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Rochelle Reply:
June 27th, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Kimberly,
Thank you so much for your gracious response and the wise reminded of God’s sovereignty It’s so hard to remember, but vital, whether the struggle is understanding why, or why not.
We’ve had a hard year (infant death in the family, my miscarriage) and it’s a struggle to understand why God would take a child to himself when loving parents are open to life….the challenge is to be OPEN to life, not grasping for it.
After I posted my original comment I found your post about BF and found that fascinating. I’ve also nursed while pregnant twice, but never got pregnant before the baby was 12-14 months….some of this seemed to be related to genes as my mom was the same way…always pregnant by the time her baby was 2, never before they were one (nursing or not). God uses even our genes for His good plans.
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I know this is an old post, but wanted to ask what you all tell people when they ask how many kids you “plan” to have… we get this question all the time from believers and non-believers… my usual answer is “we’ll see how many God will bless us with!”… do you have a different response?
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I realize that this is an old post, but I’ve just now come across your blog. We have four children, the oldest of which just turned 4, so I COMPLETELY relate to your struggle in trusting God with this. I have to admit I am still wavering, but I appreciate your post as it increases my faith in a God who is truly more than worthy of it. Reading your story helps me to realize that we are not alone in our experience of having kids so close in age. Having lots of children seems manageable when the older ones can help out with the younger, but when they’re all so young and needy, it can be so overwhelming and stressful! So thank you for your post..it’s still encouraging people like me.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 4th, 2011 at 5:53 am
Danielle,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Please allow me to encourage you further by saying how blessed I am now that my ‘little’ kids are so much bigger. I LOVE having these big kids, so close together in age. It is an amazing blessing and watching them interact with each other brings me more pleasure than I can express.
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I love this post! It was the same with my 4th. No morning sickness but terrible morning sickness with my first 3. Thanks for posting this!
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I just wanted to comment that I really love your blog and felt encouraged by it. My husband and I have 2 children that we adopted 2 years ago, they are 4 and 6. It was very clear when we were trying to create a family that God was asking us to stop and adopt. We have been trying for the past year to get pregnant and had thought He may be calling us to adopt again and we were completely shocked to find out that I am now 6 weeks pregnant. I have become so paranoid with worry that we would miscarry and spending my time reading baby discussion boards that do not help. Tonight I realize I was leaning on my own understanding and putting my trust in myself.
I am so thankful for the blessings He has given us and have a huge road ahead when it comes to trusting. When we adopted our children I was (and still am) the main breadwinner and the month we fell pregnant I began to feel God is going to call me out of my job to be home with the kids which is such a huge change of heart, but I know my kids really need me home. It was very clear that God called me to the job I am in and it is hard to understand that He would so easily call me out and change my heart to make it something I want so much. My husband feels he is being called to something that seems impossible (song writer) that would make this all possible for our family, so I sure am glad I have a God that shows us nothing is impossible if we have Him.
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Kim, your comment really spoke to me about being on discussion boards and “relying on my own understanding.” My “life verse” is Proverbs 3:5-6 yet when I am over on Babycenter that is exactly what I am doing. Also I think it is wonderful the Lord is calling you to stay at home with your children. I think you will find lots of encouragement at http://www.aboverubies.org!
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I’ve just recently found your blog and have really enjoyed reading your inspiring posts regarding childrearing and the like. However, I do feel compelled to respond to this question by Jennifer and response from you.
I am a pastor’s wife, a stay-at-home mom, and a homeschooling mom. Because my husband is the only person on staff at our church there are not any HMO’s, etc… Therefore, a LARGE chunk of our income was going to health insurance provided by a well known insurance company. We were having a really hard time making ends meet even without a house payment or car payment…as we are debt free and do live frugally. Based on this, we decided it was financially best to switch to state health care, which has freed up a significant portion of our income that was previously going to our former health insurance plan.
I don’t understand how this could not be “good stewardship” under our circumstances. My husband works diligently as a pastor in addition to two other side jobs to provide for our family. I do not feel it would be wise to leave the home for a job (for insurance benefits) as my children are my number one priority. We pay our taxes and always have.
I am not trying to be spiteful, but rather I am ignorant, so to speak, as to what you would suggest in this situation?
In Him,
Kim
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 5th, 2011 at 6:07 am
Hi Kim,
The question isn’t merely one of ‘good stewardship’, the question is what does God require, because ‘good stewardship’ must be defined by God’s law.
The Scriptures are full of ways that God provides for His people and many exhortations to trust God, but we are not aware of any passages allow or command Christ followers to turn to an ungodly government for provision. (A godly government would not be involved in this type of welfare system.) That role, biblically, is reserved for God, family and church.
1 Timothy 5 lays out hierarchy of biblical provision and then in verse 8 we get a glimpse of what God thinks about Christians failing to care for each other
.
Our family has faced this exact situation with insurance. Because we believe that the Bible applies to all of life, even health insurance, turning to the government was not an option for us. Instead we chose to follow the principles set out in God’s Word and we turned to God’s people. We are members of Samaritan Ministries, a biblical alternative to health insurance. Christians covenant together with other Christians to pray for each other and share medical expenses.
My parents have been part of this program for nearly 15 years and have had a couple significant claims ($100,000+) that have been shared by Samaritan. Mark and I moved to Samaritan when we were priced out of traditional health insurance.
Certainly we are called to be good stewards, but ‘good stewardship’ must be defined by the Scriptures. It must be grounded in obedience. If it does not have the principles of Scripture as its foundation, then we are simply doing whatever seems right in our own eyes and labeling it ‘good stewardship’.
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Kimberly, with all due respect, I’m going to disagree with you.
Certainly Samaritan Ministry is a wonderful thing, as is receiving support from the body of believers, but I think you go just a little bit too far. We have Biblical examples of godly men who accepted help from the wicked.
The spies sought help from Rahab, who was a prostitute and a Canaanite. David sought refuge with the King of Gath when he was pursued by Saul (1 Sam 27). And in the New Testament, we see Paul appealing to his Roman citizenship in both Acts 16 and Acts 22. He could certainly have said to himself that the Roman government was wicked and that it was a joy to suffer for the sake of Christ, and then taken his flogging just like the other Apostles. But he didn’t. He claimed his right as a Roman citizen.
Those are just the first three examples that came to my mind. There may be others, too.
I don’t want to be mistaken here. I don’t think government help should be accepted lightly. It shouldn’t be abused, it shouldn’t be seen as a long-term solution except in the most serious situations, and there are other – better! – options. But I also don’t think that based on what we see in Scripture that we should say that it’s wrong to accept help from the wicked in every circumstance.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 5th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Hi Harmony,
Disagreeing is fine, that’s what helps us all to grow further in our understanding.
I obviously did not make myself clear. I’m not saying that Christians should never accept help from the wicked (a Christian may presumably turn to ungodly parents for help without violating the Biblical pattern laid out in Timothy), but that we should not turn for help to those whom God has given no authority for that type of help.
The role of the government, as presented in the Bible, is limited (as are the roles of church and family). The government is to protect the innocent and punish the wicked by using the sword.
There is a huge difference between an ungodly government doing what God has called them to do (as in the cases of Paul and David that you mention) and that same body usurping authority that is not theirs at all.
It is the usurpation of authority that is also the basis for my belief that parents of murdered children may not track down the murderer and kill him. It’s simply not the role that God has given them. The punishment of the wicked is reserved for the government (whether or not they fulfill their responsibility) and the physical care of the family is reserved for the family and, with significant restrictions, the church.
As for your example of Rahab, it doesn’t apply in this situation. Rahab was an individual (the responsibilities of an individual are very different from those of a government because an individual is, presumably, not taking by force the property of another when they are charitable, a government produces nothing and therefore for them to be ‘charitable’ they must take the property of another), not a government. Additionally she was part of the line of Christ, and one of the elect, despite her background.
Thanks for your input.
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I appreciate the comments on this subject. We are still prayerfully considering what to do. I have medicines that range in the thousands monthly. So whether it be going off of them, dropping our current insurance, etc. I’m willing to do what is biblical and what God wants. I’m just praying that he shows me the path to get there. The medicines themselves cost more than my husband even makes, lol. Thank you for your insights.
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This topic has always confused me. I have some questions because I’ve never understood the mindset of “letting God plan your family” as far as it meaning to never take any control over your fertility.
First of all, my husband and I do not use artificial birth control. We have been married 10 years and are currently pregnant with our 5th child. We also homeschool. I understand that there are real arguments against the use of birth control, especially chemical/hormonal birth control (abortifacient, etc.)
However, we are also familiar with the biological processes of our bodies and are aware of when the conception of a child is a distinct possibility.
Every night, every married couple makes a choice. This choice is made based on a variety of factors, desire or lack thereof, fatigue, hunger, sickness, etc. Unless you are “witholding yourself” from your spouse, these choices are generally considered legitimate. I don’t know many Christians who would argue that we are commanded to have intercourse every day.
Why then, is it considered an illegitimate choice to abstain because the wife is fertile and the couple, with prayer, has decided that God has led them not to conceive that month?
Thank you for your honest opinion. I hope you do not think I am being critical. That is not my intention.
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The Momma@The Straightened Path Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 6:57 am
I will be interested to see other responses but this is what came to mind for me when reading your comment.
The Bible is full of instances where God opened and closed the womb for various purposes. I just watched a Holocaust video the other day and the woman survivor said she doesn’t know of anyone who had their period while in the camps. They all assumed it was divine intervention.
Even if a couple is fertile and times intercourse perfectly there is still only a 25% chance of getting pregnant. One reason I choose to trust God even during my fertile time because that is when I have the most desire for my husband and I think God can certainly control that 25%. Basically, I think it just boils down to a matter of the heart. Trusting God even to that degree brings such freedom and trust that I had not experienced until I surrendered complete control of this area of my life to Him. (My husband and I used NFP to prevent for 5 years until coming to the point of letting God control. Neither of us have ever enjoyed our physically intimacy as much as we do now after surrendering. We weren’t expecting that!)
I think it’s also worth mentioning that just because we let God control this area doesn’t mean we will have more children. Many people have this mind set with only 2 children. Then there are the Duggars. It just shows how divine God really is.
I wish you well on your journey to really figure out where you officially stand on this and understanding why others feel the way they do. I think things like this are what the verse is referring to about us each working out our own salvation.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Hi Jennifer,
First, I do not think that you’re being critical. And your question makes sense.
Second, I think that this issue really boils down to a heart attitude. Do we desire to have the mind of Christ on this issue?
There are two simple truths that explain our personal position on birth control.
1. God is sovereign. – Everything that happens, good or bad, happens at His decree. He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and He has ordained everything from the beginning of time.
He specifically declares His sovereignty in opening and closing the womb at His good pleasure. This means that it is impossible for God to ‘accidentally’ create a child. So, for us to try to prevent conception (by whatever means we choose) is trying prevent the life of a child that God has sovereignly ordained to create.
2. God says throughout the entirety of Scripture that children are a blessing.
So, the only reason that a couple could possibly have for using birth control would be to try to prevent God from creating a life that He unequivocally, throughout Scripture declares is a good gift, a blessing to His people.
As you mentioned, there are a variety of reasons that a couple may choose not to be intimate at any given time. Your question is,
I would first ask what in the Bible would lead you to the conclusion that God wishes for you not to conceive? Throughout Scripture we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply and children are repeatedly and unequivocally described as blessings and bareness is a curse. In other words, God’s blessing is fruitfulness and bareness is a curse. So we believe that to have the mind of Christ, Christians should desire fruitfulness and not work toward bareness.
Secondly, if indeed God has determined that you should not have any more children, He won’t accidentally create one if you and your husband aren’t diligent to prevent it. If you conceive another child it is obviously 1) a blessing and 2) God’s perfect will for you, your husband, your newest child and the whole world.
It’s a heart issue. Do you believe God when He says that children are blessings? Do you believe that God will create a child that is not a blessing? Do you believe that God does not have the power to determine when and whether He will give His blessing? Are you willing or unwilling to receive a blessing from the hand of God?
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DeLynn Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
I truly want to thank you for your post. It is a huge encouragement to me right now. My husband and I just found out that we are pregnant with our ninth child. I would have never imagined that we would have a large family. But we committed our reproduction to God at the beginning of our marriage. And I have had to constantly say to the Lord that I trust HIm with opening and closing the womb. I struggle sometimes with trusting God. But I realize that he has a plan for us and the children. So we have not yet told the children or anyone one else in the family that we’re expecting. I am just in the process of preparing myself for the comments, especially the jokes and the negative ones. Please keep us in prayer as we prepare for this little one. And thank you so much for your blog.
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This is a MAJOR struggle for my husband and I right now. We have an 8 month old son and I am convicted that God has called us to fully trust Him with our fertility and with our family size. My husband does not agree with me, but, thankfully, gave his blessing for me to no longer take hormonal birth control. This blessing from my husband came after we conceived our son the night of wedding after I had been taking the pill for a few months in preparation for our wedding night. That experience alone was enough to change my heart attitude regarding trusting God with this area of our life. I do not enjoy sex any longer because my husband insists on using condoms, which (pardon the adult content) interrupt the flow of the moment, at least for me. My heart aches because I truly feel like I am being disobedient to God by not allowing Him to guide our family size. Am I to take a stand against my husband? Where does submission come into play in this situation?
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The Momma@The Straightened Path Reply:
January 4th, 2012 at 10:59 am
You are NOT being disobedient by using condoms against your will. Your husband is. You should not take a stand against him but rather let God work on his heart in this area.
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Dana Reply:
February 4th, 2012 at 12:58 am
Dear Momma, May I respectfully challenge the statement that Faith’s husband is disobeying God by using condoms? There is no command in scripture against using birth control. However, it IS a very clear command to wives to submit to their husbands. I am afraid that you are placing a heavy yoke of legalism on this young wife.
Dear Faith, we must be so careful to have a clear understanding of the difference between sin issues (defined in the Bible as sin) and freedom issues (in which we may exercise our freedom in Christ). It is legalism for someone to tell you that you must practice this or that lifestyle when it is not commanded in scripture! You said “I feel like I am being disobedient to God by not allowing Him to guide our family size.” Disobedience to God is not a feeling. It is based on the word of God.
Yes, children are a blessing from the Lord. Yes, we must trust Him with all our hearts because He is good and loves His children. This does not preclude the wise use of available birth control methods. And it certainly does not nullify the need to fully submit to our husband’s leadership. As your sister in Christ, I would hope that you will reject the legalism and learn to enjoy sex again, even with the condoms.
Kimberly, thank you for allowing the open discussion of this subject. You are a precious sister in Christ. I am only concerned about the elevation of a freedom issue into the realm of a sin issue, and that is a pit waiting for people to fall into. I am not that wise, but I try to lean on God’s word alone, and I am open to further conversation on this topic. Thanks!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 4th, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Hi Faith,
Remember God is in control of everything, even your husband’s heart. 1 Peter 2:18-3:2 tells us that wives are supposed to be subject to their husbands, not just when they (the husbands) are fair and just, but even when they are unjust.
I do not believe that you should submit if your husband is asking you to sin against God, but in this case he is not asking you to sin. He is choosing to use condoms.
In God’s sovereignty and providence, this exact situation has been ordained for your good and His glory. Seek to be a faithful, submissive help-meet, pray for your husband to be a wise leader and trust that God is truly in control, even when you don’t like what’s happening.
Praying for peace for you and for the blessing of more children in His perfect timing!
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I just stumbled across this post today and was struck my the similarities in our stories. We currently have 7 kids, and I am pregnant with #8. After #3, we were convicted to trust God with our family size (long story) and #4 was born 14 months later. She was also my most easy-going baby and my easist pregnancy, easiest delivery, with very little morning sickness, not typical for me. She was such a blessing! Thank you for sharing your story.
In Christ, Laura
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Laura Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 7:00 pm
Sorry for the typos!
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Another good reason to skip medicinal birth control is because it does NOT always prevent conception. When it fails to prevent conception it does what it can (this includes also & especially the IUDs) to make the lining of the uterus as unwelcoming & uninhabitable as possible. Which means a fertilized egg is essentially flushed out of your system.
My husband and I were just not okay with that once we discovered it. So we choose NFP in lieu of birth control.
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Wow! I am actully somewhat surprised to find someone in the world who is smart enough to understand these things! God ALWAYS knows what you and your body need. Before even you do. He sees all and knows all. Just because you think you can’t handle something doesn’t mean you can’t. He knows what you can and can’t handle. He will never give you more than you can handle.
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God can always be trusted. And, He is the only One who can create life. Those two facts are the reason we believe what we do about conception.
) I know she could be our last. Or, we could have a few more. Only God knows, and we can rest in His sovereignty, knowing He has all of our best interests in His more-than-capable hands. (Oh, and having babies at my “age” definitely keeps me young!)
I’m newly 41, and just had our seventh child on earth 3 months ago. (We had our first at 27, having used b/c before that
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Hello Kimberly,
I am writing to you for wisdom. I stumbled upon your website during my time of meditation, prayer and seeking the Lord. I just found out that I am pregnant again. Eight years ago I followed my husband to Italy as full-time missionaries. God surprised us with our first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage just a few months after our arrival. The very next month I got pregnant with Siena Grace. Two years later we conceived Sammy and then another two years later with Asher. It has been rough! I am here in a foreign country with no help.
I always only wanted two kids, three at the most. In September of 2010 I found out that we were pregnant again (exactly two years distance once again). I was in the throws of a very deep depression because of having three kids and being in Italy. Life was hard and I had totally lost myself along the way. The demands of life, three kids 4 and under and ministry were more than I could handle. Almost 11 weeks into the pregnancy though, I lost the baby. It was really rough!
I swore after that experience that I never wanted to go through that again. I prayed about it, but with my heart already set on not having anymore children. Although my husband always felt like God had put four kids on his heart, he prayed and trusted God, relenting to my desires. We decided to close the chapter of babies and move on.
Last night I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. I just shook! We were so careful! We used protection decisively. Now I sit here feeling like God is playing some kind of joke on me. I know what the Word says…that children are a blessing and a gift. I know what I am supposed to believe, but I don’t feel it. I was SO looking forward to finally get Asher into pre-school in September and at least have a few precious hours in the morning to myself to actually get stuff done. Guess what! The baby will be due in September. I really feel like God is laughing. He is NOT funny right now. But, in my heart I am laughing too! This is crazy.
My first instinct is to cry and tell God that I just want to go home. How can I possibly raise four kids overseas? I am already maxed out and feel like I have no more to give. I lose my patience much too often and feel like a terrible mother. God promises that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in weakness. Well, I guess it is time for God to start showing up big time. I throw my arms in the air and give up! I am choosing right now to give God the control and to let my husband lead me. I don’t have it in me to make decisions about our future. This is all so overwhelming! I know what my family is going to say too, “Oh, Nikki, no! Why didn’t Anthony get fixed? Oh no! You poor thing. Your husband is just not for you. He should have taken care of things.”
Do you have any encouragement or advice? I just need a loving word from someone who’s been there. Thanks!
Because He first loved me,
Nikki Testa
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DeLynn Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Your story has really tugged at my heart. I don’t believe that it was a mistake that you came across this blog. When I found this blog, I was in a place of sadness because of the fact that I did not understand what God was doing with my husband and I. See, I am 43 years old and pregnant with my 10th child. Yes I said 10th. I never thought that I would have such a large family and my husband was the only child of a single mother. I get overwhelmed many days. But many women tell me all the time that they grow up fast and that they don’t remain babies forever. And that is evident when I see my 21 year old son attending college right now. I do want to say that God does not play games with us. HE does have a plan for your family and most times we are not willing to cooperate with the plan. And remember that the fruit of the womb is HIS reward, according to Psalms 127:3. His ways are higher than out ways, Is 55:9. He always knows what is best for us. The greatest peace that I have had is when I get in agreement with God and allow Him to be Lord over my life. He is Lord of all, EVEN the womb. In biblical times, a lack of children was considered negative. But in our times, having children is considered negative. God calls them a reward in Psalms 127:3. So in my head I want to go with society, yet in my heart I lean on God. He knows your future and he knows the plans that He has for each child. Family members may be negative as long as you are negative. If you need support and friends, I suggest praying for God to send the right people in your life to be the support system that you need. I hope and pray that you will follow the leading of the Lord in you childbearing years and beyond. God Bless You
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
January 20th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Hi Nikki,
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! Yes, this sweet precious baby is a blessing from God. Just keep believing that, even when you don’t feel it.
You are in a difficult place right now, but you know what to do and you know who to turn to, praise God. You’re right, it is time for God to show up and He will. He will never leave us, nor forsake us.
My heart goes out to you as you travel this difficult, lonely road, but remember you are not alone. May the God of peace bless you and your family and give you grace, strength and joy in the journey.
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