Before our marriage Mark and I decided to trust God with planning our family. We would allow Him to bless us with children when and how He wished.
However, after the very difficult birth that we experienced with Matthew, Mark and I began to doubt. God had blessed us with 3 children in two and a half years. With each pregnancy I experienced significant morning sickness well past the traditional first 12-14 week range. Now I was still recovering from a difficult birth and I was tired and overwhelmed with our houseful of toddlers. We certainly couldn’t handle another child as close together as the first three had been.
We had allowed God to plan our family thus far, but now in this place, in the midst of this situation, it didn’t seem as if He knew what He was doing.
Of course that is not how we expressed it. Our thoughts and feelings were couched in much more acceptable terms:
- “God has given us the intelligence to know how much we can handle and He has given us the means to space our children.”
- “God wants us to be responsible and risking another pregnancy soon after such a difficult birth wouldn’t be healthy and our kids need a healthy mom.”
- “God has called me to be a mom to 3 young children, I can’t possibly do that well if I’m struggling with morning sickness.”
We convinced ourselves that we were simply trying to obey God by being good stewards, preserving life and health and doing a good job with what He had already entrusted to us. We had excellent reasons for not trusting God, we were being responsible.
We were still open to the blessing of children, we just wanted more space between them. By the time Matthew was three weeks old, we realized we were making a mistake.
Not allowing God to control the spacing of our children flew in the face of what we said we believed.
We believe in the sovereignty of God and we believe that He says that children are His blessing. If God is in control of all things AND if children are His blessing, then there was no reason to purposely avoid having children. God is not surprised at any of our circumstances and He is not going to accidentally give us more than we can handle.
The only reason that we wished to take back this control is that, when push came to shove, it was hard to be obedient.
- Our desired action said we didn’t believe that God is sovereign. Perhaps He didn’t foresee our specific situation. He didn’t understand what we could handle, didn’t care about my health or perhaps He just didn’t know how hard pregnancy and child birth would be.
- Our desired action said we didn’t believe God when He says that children are a blessing. We had accepted the notion that accepting the life that God SOVEREIGNLY and miraculously creates in the womb is only a ‘good idea’ if it doesn’t interfere with our ‘good life’. We accepted the idea that life is only a blessing if we have the energy, desire and means that we think it will require.
By the time Matthew was 3 weeks old we realized that we simply could not reconcile our beliefs with the action that we wanted to take and so we relinquished our perceived control and turned our family size back over to our sovereign God.
Lord we believe, help Thou our unbelief. Sometimes believing feels like stepping off a cliff.
I thought that I couldn’t handle another child so close together, I thought that I couldn’t manage our three young children with morning sickness and I thought that my body needed a rest from pregnancy.
And God laughed at my thoughts.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~Is. 55:8-9
His way was more wonderful, more marvelous and more amazing than anything we had considered.
His plan was Alyssa.
Alyssa was born 14 months after Matthew, our smallest gap between children.
His plan included a pregnancy with NO morning sickness. (The only pregnancy out of 10 that I wasn’t sick.) His plan included an uncomplicated, easy birth after three very difficult births. His plan included a happy, easy-going baby and friends and resources that enabled me to thrive with four children 3 and younger whereas I had struggled with three children.
After Alyssa was born, we realized our pride and arrogance. We thought that we knew better than God. Alyssa was God’s kind and gracious message to us that He does know, He is good and He can be trusted.
Mark and I did not know what the future held and yet, based on our small and incomplete understanding of what we thought would happen, we wanted to take things into our own hands. We wanted to create our idea of a perfect life rather than being willing to accept the life that God had for us.
We are desperately grateful that God did not allow us to “lean on our own understanding”. We call Alyssa our sunshine and if you’ve ever met her, you understand. Alyssa brings so much light and joy into our home and yet, if we had had our way, if we had made the choice that we wanted to make, she would not be.
People often ask if we have ever struggled with our decision to allow God to plan our family. Yes, we’ve struggled, but Alyssa is our living, breathing testimony to the fact that God is good, that He knows what is best and that we can safely and confidently trust in Him.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but every one’s life has trials and struggles and we are blessed with ours.
You may also enjoy:
Hi, I'm Kimberly. 
Thanks for being so honest. My dh is where you guys were…and our children aren’t that young.
I just keep praying…
Gen
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I am there now! Dh thinks we should have another baby, but I am feel worn out!! I am always in pain somewhere and since having my gall bladder removed some days, I am afraid to leave the house due to horrible IBS symptoms. I am now 46, still nursing a 22 month old who has horrible food allergies and is up almost all night long. Trying to help one child finish up with his homeschooling, starting up another and all the ones in between..and the older ones who are either married and having their own babies or struggling with waiting for God’s timing in bringing a husband. I just don’t handle the stress very well. Dh has a full-time job (some days more than full -time) and a home business that takes up about 20 hours per week. He is not able to help out with a baby. He does lead family worship most every night and makes time to work with the children around the house on the weekends. And now he also wants to start up a family business as well. In my heart, I know the answer, but my head is speaking louder!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Praying for you Anita!
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I need to get the day going, but how I would LOVE to go on and on in this comment to let you know what your words mean to me. Maybe later today (?).
Please know this spoke directly to my heart. This is a wonderful, timely, beautiful, wise post Kimberly. Thank You.
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I love Alyssa, thank you for giving her to us!
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Thank you for that article!
I have felt comfort in the trusting God for children mindset for quite sometime. My husband has just recently been convicted this way.
After our last little one (age 17 months now), I’ve been struggling. He was born with so many health issues (brain cancer, hydrocephaly, trouble with eating and walking, etc). On top of that, my husband was laid off for 9 months last year resulting in messy finances. I’ve found myself struggling to get things running in the right direction again-struggling with meal planning, cleaning, child training, etc.
BUT you are so right. God does know. He is in control. He does have great plans. Thanks for the reminder!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:20 pm
May the Lord bless you as you walk this particularly difficult path to which He has called you.
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We started our marriage with the desire to trust God with our family size, but after the first one was a very difficult baby and we had NO support from family or friends, we went our own way. Our first two are 27 months apart and they were overwelming to me. Our third was born 4 years after the second and we decided we were done. For years I wrestled with God over this and finally my heart was turned back to Him. We had our 4th 7 years after our third and are now expecting our fifth, 2.5 years after the last one. We have huge age gaps and I always wonder who is missing? And with 3 girls and 1 son, how many sons did we selfishly give up? Only He knows, but I am thankful that I repented with a few childbearing years left. Thank you for posting. Hopefully it will help some young women to stay the course, even when it is difficult.
Emily
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Thank you for your comment Emmy. The beautiful thing about believing in a sovereign God is that He uses each and every one of our decisions for our good and His glory. Your family is perfect and is precisely as He intended it.
Don’t ask me how it all works together, that’s just what we believe. Don’t look back, just faithfully follow Him starting today.
May the Lord bless you and your family!
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Thank you for this post! We have 7 kids and one 1 on the way…My oldest is 9. It is so easy to be consumed with the chaos and start to just think of what you can and can’t handle, forgetting God has it all under control. When I was pregnant with #2 I thought the world was coming to an end! haha Now as God has continued to bless us we see how wonderful our childeren are and will openly have as many blessings as God gives us.
Thanks for the reminder. This was what I needed to hear this morning.
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Thank you for your words and your wisdom, you have no idea how much they mean to me.
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We have been pondering whether or not to give God the control over our fertility. We have 8 children, ages 14 yrs to 5 months. What holds me back is fear. Fear of extreme morning sickness, difficult deliveries and babies very close together. Also, we have a house that is about 1600 square feet and we are running out of space. We do not have the finances to move. My husband works nights and sleeps during the day, so every day I am trying to keep the children quiet so they do not wake up dad. I have been wanting to ask a quiverfull minded mom questions, but do not personally know of any (other than on the internet) Thanks so much for this timely post.
I did do some research last night on morning sickness, and it seems that women who are low on iron tend to have it more. I took iron (from a natural supplement called Floradix) in my last trimester, and my energy improved greatly. But, I never took it in the 1st & 2nd trimesters. It would be interesting to see if it makes a difference with the sickness.
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Elizabeth Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 11:39 am
I found ginger works wonders on morning sickness. I don’t really like ginger because it’s so strong but I found it in pill form and my morning sickness almost completely went away. Good luck!
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Deirdre Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:23 am
I read here on Kimberly’s blog about a “bean cure” on another mom of many’s blog. Search this blog on for morning sickness article and I think you will find the link. I am expecting another blessing in the spring and eating beans works very well almost instantly on the nausea.
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Thank you so much!
I think, I’ll translate your post to German and read it to my husband some day. We’ve got eight kids (the four oldest boys are my stepkids) and our youngest is seven months old. I feel, I’m not “done” yet (I’m 31 now) – but dh thinks otherwise. I don’t know what God has prepared for us in the future, I just pray for my family to trust the Lord concerning everything!
Greetings from Germany!
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My husband and I are struggling with this issue right now as well. I am nearing the end of my second pregnancy (due end of October) and we just celebrated our son’s first birthday (2 weeks ago). Our boys will be 14 months apart and my husband is concerned with having another close pregnancy.
Our last pregnancy didn’t go well, he was born via c-section at 35 weeks gestation. We are struggle to achieve a VBAC this time and even stretching to pray for a homebirth. This pregnancy has been much better, but I still find myself incredibly overwhelmed much of the time at the thought of two babies needing all of my attention.
When my husband came to me and said that he felt we should wait before trying for another, it pains me to admit that I was slightly relieved. The thought of going through another pregnancy (though they aren’t generally difficult for me) while raising two very small boys is very overwhelming. But the other side of me says that we made this commitment to God to trust in Him and I feel that this decision is being made out of fear and confusion. We haven’t decided what we’ll do after this birth as I can’t be on birth control pills (and neither of us want to go that route).
We’re thinking of trying to wait at least one year from the birth of this baby to start trying again. I suppose we will just have to wait and see how God is leading us. I’m still praying for my feelings and strength to tackle the road ahead. Also I’m praying that God will speak to my husband regarding this issue and we can find a solution that we truly feel comfortable with.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words!
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Well written! We too have struggled with those “God has given us the intelligence to space things out” kind of thoughts, and you’re so right, He knows our every circumstance and we really can trust Him because He is trustworthy!
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Thank you for this post…I really needed to hear this from our God. Thank you for speaking the truth, and please, continue to do so.
I feel as if I am walking through the “Valley of the Shadow”–I have 3 babies (3.5yo, 2yo and 7.5mo). Your words of truth and trial are of great importance in lifting my head to look upon the One who is with me at this very time. God IS sovereign and full of grace and love–what a mighty God we serve.
Thank you, again. Please know that I am praying for you and your blessings.
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Thank you so much for this post!! God’s timing is AMAZING!!! Last night we received a definite positieve pregnancy test result. This will be number six for us…The Lord covicted us to allow Him to sovreignly control the size and spacing of our children after sinfully trying to have that control after our first 3 children. All of our other children are 2-3 1/2 years apart and now our youngest just turned 9 months! This will be the closest spacing yet! Filled with every emotion from fear to joy and everything in between, I was up all night wrestling with and crying out to God, for His peace and strength! I know He is in control and He knows what is best for us…I just struggle with accepting that in my weakness HE IS STRONG! I must TRUST HIM! Thank you for your blog…I do not know of any families near to us who have this conviction and are living it out with the joy of the Lord, as your family is doing. Your family’s story and your godly wisdom and advice through this blog, sometimes feels like a life line that the Lord has thrown out to me, for encouragement to run and finish the race He has marked out for me. Thank you for your ministry to this mama of 5 soon to be six(by His grace)!
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Thanks for visiting my blog : ) LOVE that you wrote about trusting God – He’s been working on us about this exact same topic. Thanks!
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I have recently been convicted of this as well! I am completely ready to let God plan my family but my DH is not quite there. This has been tough but I am praying through it. I do have a question for you…I have had 4 c-sections and just waiting for the docs to say I cant have any more due to medical reasons. So, if I am told I should not have any more babies because it could harm me or the baby…what would you do in that case? I do trust God but I think there is a “fine line” where it is also about being responsible. This is such a tough subject! Your post was wonderful, thank you!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:38 pm
This is an excellent question Stacy and one that I can’t answer for you. It’s a decision that God will give you wisdom to make when and if you face it.
I know that God is sovereign and I know that He says children are a blessing. I don’t know how that works out in a specific individual’s life.
May God bless you with a healthy quiverfull.
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Sue Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Stacy,
If for some reason, you are not able to have more biological children ( or even if you are able), you can always consider building your family through adoption. We have 8 children, two of them are adopted from Africa. WE had 5 biological children and then adopted our son from Ethiopia and 1 yr later our daughter from Ghana. We went on to have another baby (biological), who is 5 months old now. There are an estimated 147 million orphans in the world today. I am so glad God opened our hearts to the blessing of adoption!
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THANK YOU for posting about your struggles. It’s so wonderful to hear the path God has brought others in their struggle to give family planning to Him. It was 20 years ago that we went through that same struggle. And now our house is full of blessings. I can’t imagine how empty life would have been if we’d had only what we thought we could handle.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Amen!
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I really admire your faith and trust that you have to God’s plans. I would like to have such strength and trust.
Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts.
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Wow! Love that verse in Isaiah, but sometimes choose to not apply it to my own situations! I sometimes pick and choose where to trust God and where to make my own decisions. This post really gives me something to think about.
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I love my Savior. I am so thankful that he has used your post to minister to me this afternoon.It takes so much courage to surrender all….including the womb. I am asking Him for courage to fully obey.I am a mother of 4 amazing children, the youngest about the same age as your new little one. #3 was a surprise but we have kept control over the other conceptions.We are already considered a bit radical by our family, friends & some in our church. Being conservative, homeschooling and a already larger family size than most. I am finding that I need courage that only Christ can give to surrender my womb to him. I want to but I honestly say I’m not completely there yet.
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Just what I needed to hear today!
Thank you.
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Thank you so much for this reminder. I am currently pregnant with our 6 child, our youngest just turned one. Some days the morning sickness is just about unbearable. But, this is Gods plan in action and we are humbled to be a part of it.
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Sue, I too have a very small home (950 sq. ft.) and 5 children. I feel your pain
I also deal with pretty rough morning sickness. I did a little reading and found some interesting recommendations on Shonda Parker’s site. Have you tried Milk Thistle? She recommends a couple different things and I’m going to try some of them this next time. Anything is worth a try, right? 
I’ll try and put a link in, but if it doesn’t work it’s on her site under Ask Shonda FAQ under the Pregnancy subtitle and you have to scroll WAAAAY down!
http://www.naturallyhealthy.org/askshonda2.php
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Sue Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 10:09 am
Thanks, Holly. I will check it out!
With my last pregnancy, I threw up every day until I was 5 months. It seems to get worse the older I get (38 at the time) I feel like a terrible mom and wife during that time because no matter how much I pray or how much I tell myself I will be cheerful, I just can’t get through it well.
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Thank you so much for this post! What an encouragement!
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Love that statement!
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Jama Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 10:14 pm
I was trying to agee with LaurieT’s statement about life being empty if we only had what we thought we could handle. I must have hit the wrong “reply” button.
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More interesting than anything are all of these comments! Such struggles each family has! Our family is not exempt from these…the questions and challenges of faith are many. After much prayer, complete bedrest during all pregnancies, and a baby buried, we have complete PEACE in having my tubes tied.
Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith, even for those of us who do not ascribe to the same quiverfull philosophy.
Many blessings to you for your willingness to speak on a difficult topic. Thank you for doing it in a way that seemed so gentle.
Resting in Christ Alone,
Karen
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 4:25 am
Thank you Karen. I’m glad that you understood what I’m trying to say and that is that God is sovereign and that He says children are a blessing.
The post above chronicles how that worked itself out in our family. I do not claim to know how it will look in other families. I do know that if we ask Him for guidance and if we obey what He has revealed to us in His Word and not our feelings, fears or desires that He will bless us and use us for His honor and for His glory.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and may the Lord bless you and your family.
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Thank you for the article, Kimberly. AMEN, SISTER! We have been convicted in this way since our wedding 14 yrs ago and we have “only”…..2 birth kids (13 and 11), 2 adopted kids (3 and 6), three babies in heaven and ….. a birth baby in my tummy due in April! My pt being that GOD is sovereign. Not all families who put their fertility in God’s perfect hands end up w/ families like the Duggars. Actually few do. I don’t know “why” we have longed for babies and been unable to birth one in 11 1/2 yr and even conceive in 7 1/2 yrs, BUT I do know that ONE: GOD is in control, TWO: We would have never gotten to be the parents of our two adopted kids if we hadn’t suffered the pain of infertility and child loss and we love those two little adopted ones dearly.
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God is so faithful! The story of your family is such a blessing to me. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
I’m so glad that you joined the Hip Homeschool Hop today.
Blessings,
Sue
The Homeschool Chick
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Thank you for your blog posting. It was something that I needed to hear. My husband and I have struggled with this on many different occasions. It seems that when I have settled in my heart to let God have His way in this area of my life my husband is not on board. When he is ready to let God have control…I am the one who struggles. We have four daughters, the oldest being almost 13 and I recently miscarried our fifth. At this time, my husband is on board and I am the one struggling. We are in the military and with moves almost every 2 years, deployments, and training that takes my husband away from home for extended periods of time…I am not sure I can handle more. But that is the selfish me talking. I need to continue to trust God with this area of my life, just as I trust Him with all the other areas.
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My son just turned 8 (woops baby) and my daughter is 16 months (planned baby). I’m ready for another baby now just like I was when my son was small. I want more children but my husband thinks we’re good just like this. I have healthy pregnancies, easy babies, and our finances are a blessing from the Lord. We have no excuse not to have more children except for my husband’s choice.
Whenever I mention more children (or “letting the Lord decide”) it causes tension. I keep reminding myself to keep it between me and God. God knows my hearts desires and He is more capable of turning my husband’s heart than I am. But sometimes I just can’t keep my mouth shut.
Please pray that my faith in the Lord will bring me peace. Right now I can only believe that when it’s time for us to have another baby that God will open my husband’s heart to it. (That’s the only explanation for why we had the most recent child).
Thank you for sharing your faith building experience with us.
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Meagan Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 10:52 pm
I am with you on this one. I too have to constantly remind myself that it is out of my hands and I can’t change my husband’s heart. I too haven’t found my peace about it all either.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:32 am
Jessica,
I believe that you are right, when/if God wants you to have another child, he will place that on your husband’s heart. God is sovereign and good in this also.
May the Lord grant you peace and joy as you rest in His good providence as He leads you through your husband.
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Thank you for this post. My husband and I have been here for the past few month. We have 5, I had 4 in a previous marriage and 1 with my husband now. Our 1 was a preemie, born at 25 wks and God has allowed us to keep her, she’s 2 now and doing well. At times we’ve talked about having another, but fear having another preemie or fear my health~my placenta ruptured because of hbp and that’s why I went into labor at 25wks. I have never had problems conceiving 2 of my kids are 13 mo apart, so that’s our fear if we just “leave it up to God.” How horrible this all sounds, lots of fear and lots of not trusting God. I want to trust God in this area, but my husband isn’t sure about more children. So I just need to pray that God would open our eyes to His sovereign plan that doesn’t include our fear.
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I see your stance. Really, I do. I am so glad you are walking in your convictions. To not do so, would be sin, I think (based on Romans 14).
This issue is one we are faced with, but have chosen a different route. Our beliefs about children are Biblical. Our belief about His Sovereignty too.
My husband still believes it is not wise for me to become pregnant again. After six c-sections, he believes the AMA’s stance on multiple c-sections (please don’t speak to me about how they could/are wrong, it won’t change his mind) and therefore wants to avoid me becoming pregnant. We don’t believe in altering our bodies as God designed them in this area simply to avoid a pregnancy. We use NFP to do so.
I hesitate sharing on lots of blogs with large families and of the QF mindset because of the judging and lack of mercy I often face.
I think the heart attitude is what God focuses on first and is very important and don’t think that avoiding pregnancy always means it isn’t.
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Thank you for this post. The question of how many children we’ve had is something my husband and I have considered a lot in the past year or so. We have 4 so far, and the issue of birth control methods has been a journey for us. We have not been convicted about using absolutely no form of birth control, but definitely don’t want to use any of the hormonal methods because of their possible abortifacient effect. That has led us to consider NFP. What are your thoughts about that?
I am an RN, and I have to tell you that the more I learn about science and the way our bodies are made, the more evidence I see of God’s glory through His creativity and amazing design. This is an honest question (not rhetorical): What do you think was the purpose of Him giving women predictable cycles of fertility (generally speaking, though that is not always the case), if not to give us some clue as to when we might conceive? With NFP, a couple is still trusting God, as even women with very consistent cycles can have unexpected variations in when they ovulate (and then there are women who have very irregular cycles, with very little, if any, predictability).
I have much love and respect for large families, and I fully support you in living out your conviction. I’m just not sure that the total absence of planning is the only way to really trust God. Like I said, it’s still an area of consideration and prayer for my husband and me…so, I’m open to your thoughts. Just wanted to ask some questions.
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Angela Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Hee hee…just realized I said “The question of how many children we’ve had” instead of “how many children WE’LL HAVE”. I can tell you, with certainty, that we’ve had four.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:36 am
Angela,
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment.
I honestly did not want to get into this type of discussion for a number of reasons, the main one being that this is a personal decision between you, your husband and God. My pregnancy with Alyssa was one of the ways that God has shown us in our life that He is faithful. We wanted to share that and not get into a discussion about BC.
However, after praying about this, I will try to clarify a few of our thoughts and ideas on this topic. I’m doing this because you asked and you seem to be genuine in your question. Please know that we believe that God graciously leads and guides us as He sees fit and that your only responsibility is to God. If at the end of the day we disagree, that is all it is a disagreement. We are not being judgmental or condemning those who do not agree with us.
Here are some reasons that we chose not to use NFP:
The purpose
When we read Scripture we see that nearly every time God speaks of children, and fruitfulness it is terms of His blessing and His gift to those whom He loves.
Also, Gen.9:1-2, 17:15-17, 17:20, 22:17-18, 24:60, 28:1-3, 48:3-4, 49:25, Lev. 26:3-9, Deut. 1:10-11, 7:12-16, 13:17, 33:24, 28:63, 1 Chron. 26:4-5, Job 42:12-15, Ps. 107:38, 115:12-15, 128, Is. 51:2, etc. You get the idea.
As Mark and I read through these passages (and others) we are struck not only with the idea that children are God’s gift, but that God blesses His people with increase and multiplication.
Mark and I do not see any portion of Scripture where many children are declared to be anything but an amazing and abundant blessing from God. (There is one passage where the circumstances are so bad that God emphasizes this by stating that cursed will be those who are pregnant or nursing. We do not believe that we are living during those times.)
Mark and I often pray that we will be more like God, that we would love what He loves and hate what He hates. Our only reason for using NFP would be to limit or avoid what God says He loves and to refuse what He says is a blessing.
We do not believe that it matters how many children a couple has, the point is that our desire should be to accept whatever gift the Lord is willing to give and not try to limit them or accept them only on our terms or in our timing.
The method
I admit that we haven’t gotten very far beyond that first point. However, after Matthew was born and we were considering these things, we decided that we would not use NFP as a means of BC because of this passage.
It seemed to us that God presents only one valid reason for withholding ourselves from each other (and that only with mutual consent), and that is for the purpose of fasting and prayer.
You asked why I think God gave women predictable cycles. Our God is a God of order, the seasons, tides, plant, animal and human lives (and much more) all play out in predictable cycles for a variety of reasons. We learn much about God through His natural revelation. However, it is not designed to be the rule for our lives. That standard is reserved for God’s Word. We do not see any indication in God’s Word that we should try to avoid having children by using our knowledge of a woman’s cycle.
I hope that perhaps these thoughts may be helpful to you and pray that God will bless you with wisdom.
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I have the same questions as Angela…we do NFP also. My biggest question is – Is it really “trusting God” to make love and then get pregnant, or is it just a natural consequence of an action? He designed our bodies a certain way, and I don’t think he would stop the natural process from happening. So, to me, it’s not really trusting God but just allowing nature to take its course. To me, trusting God would look more like being in tune with His Spirit and allowing Him to guide us in our actions – whether to abstain or to go ahead. That’s quite different than using your intelligence to space your children – it’s letting God space your children however he sees fit. If that means your children are close together, great! If they’re far apart, great! Whatever God wants for your family. Of course, the trouble is separating your thoughts from God’s, and not letting your preconceived ideas be mistaken for His leading, but I think that’s the only way to truly trust God in this situation. The analogy that comes to me is jumping off of a cliff. You can either jump off of the cliff and ask God to save you, or you can ask Him first if it’s something you should do and then jump. You have to have the faith to know what He will and won’t do. I guess it all comes down to the question of, how much does God interfere with natural processes? I think He will interfere, but I don’t think He does every time, and I don’t think it wise to expect Him to.
That’s where I’m at right now, but I’m open to thinking differently about it. I just want to know God’s mind on it, and I’m in complete agreement with you about being able to “disagree in love,” so please let me know what you think!
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:39 am
Christie,
It seems clear by your comment that you and I do not have the same view of God’s sovereignty neither do we have the same view of the blessing of children. So obviously we will come to different conclusions.
You say, that conception is
Our family does not believe that God put the universe in motion with ‘natural processes’ and then lets it go, only intervening occasionally. We believe that He is actively involved in every detail of His world.
We do not believe that any of our children are simply here because God did not stop the natural process from happening. We believe that each and every one of them was uniquely created by God as eternal beings and each of their births, lives and deaths have been ordained before the world was made.
Your idea also opens up a huge can of worms when you consider couples who experience unexplained infertility.
Please look at my comment to Angela for our understanding of children as a blessing.
Your use of the jumping off a cliff illustration is interesting. Result of jumping off a cliff = injury and death. Result of taking part in the blessing of the marriage relationship = children. (God does not command us to jump off a cliff. However, throughout Scripture He commands people to be fruitful and multiply, and commands marriage and the relationship that comes with that.) Throughout your use of this example (and the rest of your comment) it seems that you view children as something to be avoided. We believe that children are a gift from God.
We simply have different understandings on these issues and that’s fine. I don’t think that we should be surprised when we arrive at different conclusions.
May the Lord bless you and your family!
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I can hardly imagine having that many children in a house and trying to keep it quiet… you must be such a strong person to be able to handle all that.
I had extreme nausea with my current pregnancy (vomiting 5+ times a day, not to mention the NEVER ending sick feeling.) Lots of people would give me “helpful” advice that did absolutely nothing. I finally got some relief when my midwife prescribed me Zofran, which is extremely expensive unless you buy the generic brand. (we have no health insurance, so cost is big factor
) My vomiting dropped instantly to 1-2 times a day, and I had brief spells in the afternoon where I felt semi-well enough to get a little housework in. I was very blessed to have a lot of family and friends who generously helped out during those first few months as well.
This is my second pregnancy and I’ve becoming anemic again. I take Floradix, although during 1st pregnancy despite taking double doses for months, I was very anemic up until about a month before delivery. I’m not sure how well Floradix would help with nausea, but I know from experience being anemic while pregnant is VERY exhausting and can even leave you feeling sort of sickly. I honestly never felt so better during my entire 1st pregnancy than I did that final month!
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Mercy Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Ooops.. my comment was meant to be directed to “Sue”, above.
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Sue Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Yes, it is very difficult tryin to keep the children quiet.
Do they know is Zofran is safe?
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Aimee Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Hi Sue – I’m not a doctor but have been assured by doctors and nurses alike that Zofran is an incredibly safe drug during pregnancy. I have gestational diabetes during pregnancy (every time) and was vomiting so much that it was negatively affecting my blood sugar. My OB prescribed Zofran and I honestly felt like a new person (along with normal blood sugar). I wish I’d been willing to take it during the first pregnancy as well. One note if you do decide to ask your doctor about it…I highly recommend the ones that dissolve under your tongue. The ones you swallow are hit or miss since you’re already vomiting so much.
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Sue Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Thanks for your reply. I can see how the sublingual pills (under the tongue) would work best.
My doctor had mentioned there was medicine he could prescribe, but he was very relctant about it, he wanted me to avoid it. I will do some research on it.
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I think I’m with Angela…up there. I believe I have questions. AND…I’m where you were. My daughter will be 3 next week, I have a 16 month old son, and I’m 11 weeks pregnant. I’ve been sick and my husband and I both are like…”This. Is. It.” Number one reason, I can’t be the mommy I need to be if I feel this bad all the time. It’s not just the nausea, it’s being so tired, too. I understand everything you just said above…but I think something we are wrestling with…if we chose to not have any more children, is God not still sovereign? We believe in His sovereignty in all things. Which means we believe He knows right now how many children we will or won’t have and by which methods we will or won’t have those children. I don’t believe that my “decision” to not have a child at a certain time somehow thwarts the will of God or stops a life that is supposed to be here. (In none of this am I referring to abortifacient drugs, BTW.) So, that’s what we are dealing with. I LOVE the idea of a large family. I would take 100 babies today if someone would give them to me and I didn’t have to be pregnant. And I know that may sound selfish, but my husband agrees…I thrive in my sacrifice to others when I am NOT pregnant. I’m just like lazy, slug when I’m pregnant and I just can’t manage to muster up what I need to be there. I do have faith that His grace is sufficient, however. I do know that it isn’t what I’m doing on a day to day basis but what He is doing…OK…I’ll stop babbling now because it seems I keep going.
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 10:34 am
Michelle,
Yes, God is always sovereign. He works for our good and His glory in our obedience and our disobedience, we can never thwart His perfect plan.
However, He does use means. If I had had my tubes tied after Matthew I don’t believe that we would have had 7 more children. Certainly God could have given them to us, but I believe that He has blessed us with the children that we have because we chose to be open to them. Of course I also believe that we chose to be open to them because He wished to bless us with them.
I suppose the bottom line on our belief about children and family planning is that we believe that God says that children are a blessing, that they are His good gift to His beloved people. We believe that our attitude toward God’s gifts and blessings should be one of acceptance, not one of refusal. We do not believe that we have a right to call what God declares ‘good’ anything but good.
There have been many times when we’ve said ‘enough’, ‘it’s too much’, ‘we can’t do this’. But as Mark and I spoke about our children over lunch yesterday we asked ourselves the question, ‘Which one of our children wasn’t worth it?’ I would give my life for any of my children, how ironic would it be for me to refuse to be sick and tired for them?
I don’t claim to know what is right for any other family, but I do believe that at the end of our lives, Mark and I will not wish that we had chosen energy, lack of nausea and fewer diapers in lieu of any of these precious souls that God chose to bless us with.
I pray that God will bless you with grace, strength and His peace.
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Thank you so much for this post! It really speaks to me. I have 4 children. My oldest is 7 and it’s a real struggle most days to homeschool the older 2 and manage the younger 2 babies. My husband is ready to let God be in control but I’m not sure I am. I’m trying to get there, but I feel very overwhelmed most days. My baby is 7 months old and I VERY much want a 3-4 year age gap before we have another one, but I’m not sure that that’s God’s plan and I’m struggling to let go. Thank you for your honesty and encouragement!
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Sue Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Alisha,
My first 4 children are very close in age. When my oldest was 4, I had a 2 yr old and newborn twins. So, when the twins were born I put my 4 yr old in preschool.Then I put my twins in preschool when they were 4, so I could work with my 2 older children. It was a good thing and helped a lot. They were never in school past preschool, they were all homeschooled after that. They enjoyed preschool and it was harmless.
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Sue Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Also, before you know it you will have older children who can help with the younger ones. It is easier having 8 children now then when I had 4 children, all 4 yrs and younger.
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Isn’t that just like God?
God doesn’t always call us to easy things, but He always equips us for the things He calls us to. Allowing Him to plan our family has quite a ride!
Many blessings to you and yours!
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Hi Kimberley
Thanks for this post. It certainly has caused a lot of discussion. It is a topic on our minds lately – God has convicted us that Dave should get a vasectomy reversal. We made a very stupid decision after the twins because everyone around was saying what a handful 4 children under 4 were & it was what everyone does up in brisbane for bc. We have regretted that decision since about 3 months after it happened, but God has finally allowed us to have enough cash to get it done. (Over here they are very expensive). I guess if God decides to allow us to have any more children the question then is – how many cesareans should we have (I’ve had 3 previously) – also we know that you should wait a year after a c-section before getting pregnant (we didn’t between our first 2 & my scar hadn’t healed properly – praise God I kept my uterus).
We do know that we would love all the children God would chose to send, so I guess our thoughts are going back & forth along the lines of what you wrote & then the world (& my medical training) jumps in & I think maybe we should use a natural bc between children.
Anyway great topic & thanks for the post – I found it very encouraging.
God bless
Renata:)
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It’s nice to have a reminder that preschool is okay. My toddler will only be 3 in November, so she’s just too young to be in preschool yet (by my standards) but perhaps next year I’ll let her go for a year. I can see how that would be a big help. Specially when my older ones are still so young and still need so much help with their school work.
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Sue Reply:
September 4th, 2010 at 12:05 am
My children enjoyed preschool and have fond memories of it. It really was helpful during that time of my life when I had nobody else helping me and when I needed it the most.
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I want to start out by saying that I am new to you site and so far I am loving it. You are truely a blessed woman, as am I. I have six kids ages 11 years- 18 months. My husband and I would also like to adopt sometime in the future. Also, I don’t want you to think that I believe you to be wrong about family planning as I am still trying to figure that all out myself. I would appreciate it if you would read this article and let me know what you think about it. Thanks. http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/2006/1440_Does_the_Bible_permit_birth_control/
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Kimberly @ Raising Olives Reply:
September 23rd, 2010 at 7:48 am
Hi Kendra,
Thank you for your comment and link. I wish that I had time to fully respond with Scripture references to that article, but I don’t. I do hope to make a couple of observations.
In regard to the author’s point that the Bible calls wives a blessing, but also teaches that we shouldn’t necessarily take a wife and then applies that concept to children:
Clearly, the Biblical teaching about the blessing of a wife can not be compared to the teaching about the blessing of children. While a good wife is called a blessing, God does not promise the blessing of wives for covenant faithfulness. Whereas throughout Scripture He promises many children as a reward for obedience. Also, while God says that He gives some the gift of singleness and reveals that it is sometimes a desirable condition, bareness in the Bible is always a reproach, a curse or an undesirable state.
The verse noted in the article says, “He who FINDS a wife”. This implies that he is looking for one, that finding a wife is at least partially his responsibility. In addition to this we have many commands in Scripture regarding our responsibility in choosing a wife. In contrast, God clearly teaches that He is the author and creator of life and that each child formed in his mother’s womb is His particular creation.
Did Adam have the right (or responsibility) to refuse Eve, the woman that God created specifically for Him? This is the scenario that we have when we speak of children. God particularly and specifically creates each child for a particular man and woman and brings them into their lives in His particular timing. We see no place in Scripture where God gives the responsibility for deciding the timing or spacing of children to the parents.
The author of the article says,
We completely agree with this statement. Now the question is, based on God’s revealed Word, what should our attitude toward children be? Should we consider them to be good gifts from God and accept them as such or should our basic attitude be one of refusal and avoidance?
Although at the beginning of the article the author states that he believes that children are a blessing from God, the rest of the article and his arguments seem to deny that fact.
In each example (farmers letting wind plant their crops, families going to the grocery store) the author expects Christians to actively pursue God’s good gifts except when it comes to children. With children the author argues that Christians should try to limit, space and/or avoid God’s gifts.
The author goes on to state that things like finishing graduate school or giving to missions might be better for God’s kingdom than a child, as if God might, if we aren’t careful and responsible, create a child that would hinder the work of His kingdom.
He concludes his arguments:
Are children a blessing or a burden?
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I love this post!
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Beautiful, well-written post. I agree with you 100%.
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Kimberly, I just wanted to let you know how encouraging this post was. My husband and I too struggle on a day to day basis with this issue. We have agreed that God will be in control, however, with our prenatal history it is so hard to just hand it over to him and not the ob! But as you posted, I have my own Alyssa!! My first, 5 yrs old, I had with HELLP syndrome and my husband almost had to choose between me or him, then our second, 3 yrs old, I had to return to the hospital with an infected uterus. My grandmother had to take care of the baby for a few days while I was in the hospital, it was horrible! Our third child, Hannah, passed away 2 years ago tomorrow after being in the NICU for 3 1/2 months with Turner’s Syndrome. After she passed away, my husband was done! My heart just ached though, so I somehow convinced him to have another and we had our 4th, Leah, who is 7 months old now and has be absolutely been my saving grace! She was the easiest pregnacy and easiest and smoothest delivery. But I too still struggle with the idea of more c-sections and how many my body actually can handle. We are currently not using any form of bc and are trusting the Lord, but, it really is a day to day struggle. Satan really messes with me on if I am truly doing the right thing! Thank you again, Kimberly, you truly are a blessing to me everday!! I thank God that there are other women out there with hearts that struggle just like mine and remind me that I am not alone.
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Thank you for this post! We have 3 children- 4, 2 1/2 and 8 months. We are completely open to life and do not believe in prevention, but I still struggle with the thought of getting pregnant again any time soon. My biggest fear is dealing with the morning sickness and fatigue with 3 other children. You post has reenforced the fact that I need to open my heart to God’s will again. It also gives me hope that maybe #4 won’t bring the morning sickness again
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What is it about this subject that makes women feel compelled to comment?
We have been married 4 years and have a 15-month-old. Before I got pregnant with her, I had two miscarriages followed by a long period of infertility (I was actually going to make an appointment to discuss my infertility options with a GYN – mostly just seeing if I had a condition like thyroid troubles or endometriosis, certainly not going for IVF or anything).
I am not pregnant yet, so there will at least 2 years between the first two. And I can see the providence of God in that. Our darling daughter is a handful and a half. She nurses constantly during the day(still), she wakes up every 1-2 hours at night (even though she doesn’t nurse at night anymore), she has a will of iron – she is willing to die on *every* hill – and she is too smart for her own good.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her to pieces. But I am worn out with her right now. I have wondered how I would manage with another. And in response, God has made it clear that now is NOT the right time for another baby. I don’t mean that he has “put it on my heart” to wait, I mean that we have never used birth control, and so we can know conclusively that God wants me to devote my time and energy right now to Pearl. If He felt differently, I would be pregnant now. There is a lot of peace that comes with that. God sees my need and he meets it.
And if I get pregnant this month, I will know that He has decided I can handle another. And, again, there is peace that comes with that, too.
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[...] gives us is children. As I learned in the responses (both comments and emails) to my post about having many children, even though many people say that children are a blessing, many only want those [...]
I too am struggling with this. We didn’t leave the Lord in control of our first 4 children…we basically said, “we’ll try when we’re ready”. Thankfully He has blessed us so much with our 4 gifts, but after #4 (who is currently almost 4 months old), we decided that we weren’t going to try to prevent pregnancy. I am breastfeeding and figured it’d buy me a bit of time. I was wrong. I’m 6 weeks pregnant with #5, nursing #4 and homeschooling my others. It’s a wonderful life, I’m blessed beyond belief, HOWEVER, I have SPD–a painful condition in my pubic bone that makes pregnancy very difficult for me. Don’t get me wrong, my pregnancies are quite wonderful…not much sickness, no other real complaints, but I’m overweight and still having pain from my LAST pregnancy…and here I am again, starting out in pain, starting at my heaviest weight for a pregnancy, questioning God’s wisdom. I’m THRILLED to be having another baby, it’s my body I’m concerned about though. Thank you for this post because I do tend to forget that God knows EVERYTHING I’m faced with…and His grace is sufficient.
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Lindsey Reply:
February 4th, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Janelle,
I totally feel your pain! I, too, have SPD and know just how painful it is/can be. My third baby is just now 2 months old and I am still having problems from it and my midwife didn’t really take me seriously. In all my research I’ve discovered not many docs do. Anyway, we say we are letting God be in control but then I find myself struggling with such a “gray area” in the Bible. One that can be so cut-and-dry to one and not-so-much to another Christian. My point is, your story definitely resonates with me as I am still suffering from SPD, at my heaviest ever also, and giving our fertility to God (but also nursing like you) and wondering what He has in store for us.
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[...] God however, had plans for the child He has already used to teach us so much. [...]
I have been sitting in my bed nursing my 6 wk old and could not stop reading all of the posts. I am a mother of nine children and being a mother has been challenging and rewarding. Now that I am 42 years old, I am ready to be done. However my husband and I surrendered our reproductive systems to God and God prepared us for our children. Now I am ready to be done. But I don’t know if God is done. I have been blessed to have all vag births and only one pregnancy with high blood pressure. God has truly been good to us. We have come close to permanent bc at least three times but just didn’t feel totally comfortable. Now we have been talking about NFP. I am getting older so my childbearing years may be coming to an end. Truthfully I’m totally full with 9. May God give me the strength if there are more to come. To be honest I would be happy if we are done. I struggle daily with the thought of another baby and then wonder what blessing I will forfeit if we make a permanent bc decision.
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