Pregnancy #13: Quiet

Quiet, that’s how I will always think about this pregnancy, quiet.

I would have been due in November.

It began quietly with a barely-there pregnancy test. And it took three more days before we were really convinced that this child existed.

It continued quietly with twice-daily heparin injections and a feeling of contented gratitude.

One of the things I learned from our last pregnancy was that this was an eternal gift that was already given. It could not be taken away.

Whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, we were already parents to our thirteenth child. A quiet child with his own unique personality.  So I enjoyed each day.

For the first time I truly understood that a miscarriage wasn’t a waste, it was simply a gift that’s shorter only in it’s temporal duration. And I worried less.

Quietly my doctor tracked my progesterone and HCG levels and we waited, thankful that everything was progressing well.

We had an ultrasound. It was too early to see a heartbeat, but everything looked good.

Then a few weeks later and without any symptoms, my HCG levels dropped and we prayed, begging for life, for a beating heart. A few more days and those HCG levels dropped again. (HCG should never drop in a healthy pregnancy. Numbers may rise slowing or not rise at all and it still be a healthy pregnancy, but dropping numbers are not fine.)

My doctor said that a continuous drop over a 5-day period was pretty definitive of a miscarriage.

We grieved for a week and then we went in for our scheduled ultrasound ‘knowing’ that we would see what we had seen once before, a ‘non-viable’ pregnancy.

Instead we cried, great wracking sobs of relief and surprise when we saw a tiny, growing baby with a lovely, strong heartbeat (148/min).

#13 Ultrasound

 

We rejoiced in a miracle. The miracle of life and a beating heart.

And then at another ultrasound a week later, we grieved as we watched that small person float silently with a quiet heart.

Quietly, with no fanfare, our precious baby had entered into eternal glory.

As our OB said, “All miracles on this side of heaven are temporary.”

Miscarriage is hard. This time is no less hard than last, but it is different. A friend, who has walked this path, explained it this way, “Each grief is different because each child is different. We love them differently; not more, not less, differently and so we deal with their loss differently.”

This process is hard and the grief is hard, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope. We’re dealing with eternal souls and THEY are worth much more than I’ve been asked to give.

I’ve had two pregnancies and said goodbye to two babies within the past 4 months. This has been a time of learning and growing, a time that has really pushed me to trust and rest and be content with His plan, because this was not my plan.

My plan was to be holding a newborn in November. My plan was being pregnant on what would have been the due date for our last child.

I wanted that, oh how I wanted that! 

Bottom left: Bella's (3) drawing of "our baby who won't die"

Bella’s (3) drawing of “our baby who won’t die”

I am still grieving that loss, but His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and so I am learning to believe and to trust the God that I love. I’ve been learning that my whole life, but it’s a life-long lesson and so I know that I have more learning to go.

I understand the thought, “I would rather not be pregnant than to miscarry again (and perhaps again).” But my take is  different. I’m thankful for these children, both unique and different from the other one, how can I wish that they did not exist. How can I think that my physical and/or emotional comfort is more important than the lives of those two children? Joy and sorrow, weeping and dancing it’s still intermingled. Thankful for the gift, heartbroken over the loss.

I will always think of this 13th pregnancy, our 13th child as quiet and I will be forever grateful for the privilege of being his mother.

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45 Responses to Pregnancy #13: Quiet
  1. Kristin
    April 25, 2014 | 9:41 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for you and your family.

    [Reply]

  2. Celena
    April 25, 2014 | 9:47 am

    I don’t even know what to say. Maybe because it’s hard to see through misty eyes. What a precious gift of new life, and the difficult task of giving him back way too soon. Praying for peace and comfort that surpasses all understanding. I rejoice knowing that this child will forever be in the Kingdom, and that’s all he will ever know.

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  3. Colleen
    April 25, 2014 | 9:50 am

    Praying…we lost twins 12/12/1994…I was broken….I know they are in Heaven but still think of them and will forever be their mom…even after 8 more children…

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  4. Sarah
    April 25, 2014 | 9:51 am

    Thank you for sharing… I also have many of the same feelings you shared… I always say I have 13 children… 5 whom I will meet one day. I’m extremely thankful now for the 8 I’ve been called to raise here on earth.

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  5. Courtney
    April 25, 2014 | 10:04 am

    My heart bleeds for you in your loss. Your words are comforting, though, to those who have lost tiny babies. Prayers for you and your family.

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  6. Emily M.
    April 25, 2014 | 10:05 am

    I’m so sorry Kimberly. No matter how many times it happens, losing our little ones is so hard. I’m praying for you. <3

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  7. Allison
    April 25, 2014 | 10:07 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been on a similar journey and your words were so encouraging to me. We have 6 children at home, we lost a baby this past Dec., now we are expecting again and just praying and waiting to see what the Lord has planned for this little one. I also take the heparin injections. We must trust our Lord in all things, thank you for encouraging me.

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  8. Jessie Weaver
    April 25, 2014 | 10:09 am

    Kimberly, That is so beautiful. I am so so sorry for your losses. But grasping for beauty in difficulty … well, something. I wish I were wise. It’s something.

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  9. Heather
    April 25, 2014 | 10:31 am

    So much love to you and your sweet family. I know the bittersweet feeling of having your children grieve their lost baby with you, and while it feels harder than some times than others, what a precious thing- four our children to see that we really do value life from the very start. Prayers for comfort.

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  10. Heather
    April 25, 2014 | 10:35 am

    Thank you for sharing. I am approaching the due date of of my 8th pregnancy, the fourth child we have lost. I struggle as the due date comes closer. Your story and approach to grieving has helped me. Thank you.

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  11. Anita
    April 25, 2014 | 10:45 am

    Praying for you. I had three miscarriages within a 19 month period. The last miscarriage put me in the hospital with a severe loss of blood and fainting which only stopped after a D and C. Of course, we had a sonogram before the procedure and could see that I had definitely miscarried. Thankfully, I did go on to carry two more babies who are running around now at ages 9 and 5. Sometimes the memory of those missing babies hits me quite unexpectedly and I think about how old they would be had they lived and miss them even more.

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  12. Elizabeth
    April 25, 2014 | 10:52 am

    I am sorry Kimberly I am praying for your whole family.

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  13. Katena D
    April 25, 2014 | 11:06 am

    I understand as I have walked this path and no words are helpful. I always am a little sadder closer to September and like you I am just quiet. Thank you for sharing and so sorry for your loss.

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  14. Rebecca
    April 25, 2014 | 11:29 am

    How brave and inspiring you are. Thank you so much for sharing this. Your strength will be remembered by all you have shared this story with, and it will help us to have a strength to aspire to when we go through loss. Thank you. You are in my prayers.

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  15. Marcella
    April 25, 2014 | 11:31 am

    I’m so sorry. I had my first miscarriage a little over 2 years ago. I’m now 33 weeks pregnant. I lost 4 babies in a row before this one. I am a different person than I was before.

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  16. Penny
    April 25, 2014 | 12:16 pm

    Oh what a legacy you are leaving by telling your story and being real in your grief! I so want to hug you and pray over you to help ease your suffering. Rest in the fact that God is always in control. (((hugs)))

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  17. Elizabeth
    April 25, 2014 | 12:23 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 2 babies in 4 months after a loss only the year before. Just like you this is after having many babies by dh and me just looking at each other. Miscarriage has given us an quick opportunity to glorify the Lord in our response but a heart breaking time nonetheless. Each time I took longer to mention to my friends only to hear from the Lord “this is my gift, you value life, let everyone know”. Praying for your family during this hard time.

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  18. Laura
    April 25, 2014 | 1:24 pm

    I am so sorry, Kimberly. I know the pain of miscarriage too. I rejoice in those lives that I desperately wanted to hold, but I am so thankful for the promise of Heaven and a loving Father who knows best. Praying for you and your family during this time.

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  19. Sheila Mom to Seven
    April 25, 2014 | 1:29 pm

    Grieving with you. We said goodbye to our sixth and seventh children, within three months’ time. It was hard – still is. My siggy says “Mom to Seven”, but really I’m mother to ten (first child given up for adoption when I was young and single), two with Jesus, and seven HERE – PTL!
    Praying for you as you go through this time.
    Sheila (Mother to ten, and wondering if, at 43, there will be any more…)

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  20. beth
    April 25, 2014 | 1:36 pm

    I am so touched by this. I know each child is a gift from God..at conception, but have never thought about miscarriage in the way you’ve just described. You’ve just blessed my heart in a way that I can not describe. Thank you for sharing in the midst of your grief. May God bless you and give you comfort.

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  21. Kristin
    April 25, 2014 | 2:41 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss! I can relate to how you feel because I too just lost a precious baby. I was due in October. I was a day short of 9 weeks and was able to hold my perfectly formed baby in the palm of my hand. It was heartbreaking. Every child is a gift from God and I take great comfort in knowing that my child is indeed in heaven and I will be reunited with him/her one day! I blogged several scriptures, quotes, and poems that spoke to me during the grieving process that you might like to read. Here is the link:
    http://homespunchildren.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-pain-of-miscarriage-and-words-of.html
    Losing my child to miscarriage has taught me what a MIRACLE each life is. After my miscarriage I was thinking how maybe I should have let the doctors tie my tube so this wouldn’t have happened, but then I realized that because I gave the Lord control over my womb I have one more treasure in heaven for all eternity! Because I chose life, our tiny baby will forever be in heaven worshiping our Lord and Saviour who is the giver of all life!
    “Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me.” Mark 9:37

    Praying for you and your family as your hearts are grieving over the loss of your baby.

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  22. Bambi @ In the Nursery of the Nation
    April 25, 2014 | 4:07 pm

    (((Hugs))) friend. I’m sorry. Truly, truly sorry for your loss.

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  23. Adrienne
    April 25, 2014 | 6:54 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart through your story. Please know what a blessing you are to your readers. I am praying for you and your family.

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  24. Leanne
    April 25, 2014 | 9:04 pm

    Dearest Kimberly,

    Oh, how my heart sank when I read the title of your blog entry today. I have been reading your blog since May of 2011 and have been so blessed and encouraged by all that I have read. So many experiences that you have shared, God has used instrumentally to change aspects of my life for the better and for His glory, and I have had the privilege of forwarding many of your entries to bless the lives of countless others. I have rejoiced with you and cried with you and have kept you and your sweet family in my prayers often! We have four children under 6, a girl and three boys and are open to the Lord blessing us with as many children as He desires. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage, and I became pregnant the next month with our oldest, Ariella. I don’t know how far along I was in my first pregnancy, but after the excruciating pain and the experience I knew what had happened and my heart was broken. In God’s mercy, He provided Ariella quickly and all went well and has continued to go well with the other three pregnancies.

    I will be praying for you and your family, and I wanted to share a link to a teaching series that aired earlier this week on Revive Our Hearts that will encourage you and be a blessing to you as well as any mother who has experienced the loss of a baby. The series is called “He Will Carry You” and it is based on the testimony of Angie Smith, the wife of Todd Smith who is the lead singer of the praise and worship band Selah. The three part series goes into their experiences with the loss of their baby as well as the book that Angie has written about it. May the Lord use it to minister to your broken heart and encourage you in the plan He has through both of your miscarriages for His glory. I will continue to hold you and your family up in prayer!!

    http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/god-will-carry-you-1/

    “The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” Psalms 34:7, 17

    “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27

    In Christ’s Love,
    Leanne

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  25. Rach D
    April 25, 2014 | 11:03 pm

    I am so sorry to hear of your losses…grieving here with you as I read this post! Know that many of us are praying for God’s comfort to be yours during this time.

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  26. Rebekah
    April 26, 2014 | 3:45 am

    I am so sorry that you’ve lost these two precious ones. We lost our 4th child to an early miscarriage in the summer of 2012. I hope this does not sound insensitive, but I did want to encourage you to have your thyroid checked (if you haven’t already)… I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few months after our loss and I’ve always wondered if that was the cause (it can be linked with miscarriage). Blessings to you, sister.

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  27. Becky
    April 27, 2014 | 10:17 am

    Hugs

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  28. Emily
    April 27, 2014 | 8:24 pm

    Kimberly,

    I grieve with you. We lost two babies last year within 5 months of each other – June and November 2013. I know there are no words but that Jesus is there and He grieves with you. Lifting you and your family up in prayer. *HUGS*

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  29. Bonita Timmons
    April 27, 2014 | 8:29 pm

    I will keep you in my prayers I had a miscarriage in 2001 they are hard
    God can help to get us through them only his help

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  30. Karen
    April 28, 2014 | 11:30 am

    Thank you for sharing as I need this right now. I miscarried my 7th baby on the same day you wrote this post. Our little baby boy only made it to 14 weeks but he fit perfectly into the palm of my hand. Already I’ve been having the thoughts as why should I get pregnant again if it causes this much pain.( if I were to miscarry again) Thank you SO much for making me think so differently about it all and realizing that I should be thanking God for the time I had with this little one and possibly upcoming babies who might not make it to term.
    Please know I’ll be praying for your family during this time. So sorry for your loss.

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  31. Kelly
    April 28, 2014 | 5:12 pm

    Hi Kimberly, we have two mutual friends (Tami & Tammy!) who directed me to this blog post. It looks like we’re walking through the same thing right now. I just posted a testimony I shared at church yesterday, and I hope it serves as encouragement for you. Bless you!http://kellytarr.com/?p=1113

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  32. Rachel
    April 28, 2014 | 9:49 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss.

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  33. Keely
    April 29, 2014 | 4:25 am

    I’ve just lost my second baby too? Any advice?

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  34. Sue
    April 29, 2014 | 11:33 am

    Kimberly, I’m so sorry that you have experienced this again but thankful for how the Lord is meeting with you and using what He is teaching you to also minister to so many others. May His glory always shine through our trials.

    When you are able, I would love an update on your mom.

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  35. Michele
    April 29, 2014 | 11:37 am

    Hi. We have been praying for you all. I have felt led to write our daughter’s story and share it. God bless you all and thank you for your inspiration!! Keep on Keeping on!!

    Clim’s Testimony
    This is the story of our daughter. Our blessing. Our gift. Her very short life was a gift that God did not have to give us. Her life was already mapped out before she was ours. He could have prevented us the sorrow but then He would have denied us the gift of her. Her ministry is in her going to be with Jesus quickly but not quietly. She didn’t slip away. Her presence was made known and she was greatly loved. We will forever be grateful for the precious time we had with her. We will forever be thankful that The Lord saw fit to allow us to be her family. We are better people because of her.
    God is using prophecy today just as in the Bible days. I like to say we never left the Bible days because God is still God. He hasn’t changed. We can have a relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ just as Paul did.
    God used our precious daughter at six years old so strongly in sweet baby Clim’s life. At the end of December 2013, I woke up one morning not feeling very well. Our sweet six year old asked me if I had a baby in my tummy. I told her not that I knew of. Daddy and I just looked at one another because we were so surprised by her question. We didn’t think anymore about her question and went about our day. Later that day I got curious and found out we were expecting a baby after all! The children were ecstatic with the news!
    We love our blessings and were already thinking of our future with our sweet baby!! She would have been born the end of August so we were already thinking and dreaming of that day when our baby would make her debut!!
    On the morning of January 23, 2014 our sweet six year old woke up and told me about her dream: She dreamed that I was in the hospital and had our baby. She was talking to me and I told her we had a baby girl. Then she asked her name and I told her Clim. We all thought that this was an awesome dream.
    The next morning I awoke to losing a lot of blood. The children and I prayed together while waiting for Daddy to come and get us. During this time of uncertainty and prayer, our little 2 year old said, “Baby is in Heaven now.” As usual, our children were strong prayer warriors.
    Daddy took me to the ER and I asked him to take the children home for their care. I was never alone in that hospital room for The Lord’s presence was always there. I was lying there when I saw a bright light off to the left of me. Then I heard these words, “She’s with Jesus now.”
    Later, I asked, “Lord, did I do something to cause this?” The Lord spoke and told me to rebuke the devil in Jesus Name and to never say that again. Then He said, “This is my will.” His will was to take her to Heaven! His will was to give her to us for this time! She made it! She’s home now!! We spent the rest of the day resting as a family. Our six year old told us Clim’s purpose was to teach us to trust more in Jesus! To teach us to trust in God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost!
    The next morning I had the miscarriage. Our baby was already in Heaven with Jesus so she felt no pain. I wasn’t losing her because she was already gone. Her soul was always whole and went completely back to God!
    We had a memorial service in Bible Study and sang many beautiful songs in remembrance of Clim. We sang the song our precious four year old wrote last year called “Sweet Angels” and now I firmly believe God gave it to her for us during this time. I always think of our sweet Clim when we sing it. We read many verses also. We read Psalm 139:13, 14 and talked about how her body was being formed inside me, but her soul was already formed!! That’s who is in Heaven with Jesus!! We read Matthew 5:8 and that’s always been one of my favorites from childhood. She is and now has seen the face of God!! Our creator!! Our Father!! We read 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 and talked about how we must stay in love with Jesus and walk with Him always so we can also go home! Clim is in Heaven with God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost waiting on us!! We read many others verses that day as well.
    The following Monday was to be an ultrasound appointment so I kept the appointment and let them know what had happened. It wasn’t easy being in there, but I held onto Matthew 16:24. Everyone was so kind and I am grateful for their kindness. Plus it was a blessing to hear her called a baby.
    The Lord has named all of our children and He even named baby Clim. I thank God for loving us so much and for taking such great care of us. As always, He is the peace in the storm!!
    So we count Clim a blessing. A true gift just as all of our babies are. We didn’t get to spend time with her here on earth, but we will in Heaven. We know she is waiting for us on the other side of the river!! She’s dancing with Jesus! He can and is taking better care of her than we ever could have. We miss our baby girl and we cry at times, but we do not ask for her back because that would be telling The Lord His plan was imperfect. We miss the absence of her here with us, but we rejoice in the presence of her in Heaven!!
    We have always known Heaven was to be our eternal home one day, but having our daughter there waiting for us is very special. Our daughter, a part of us, has seen the face of God. She has danced with Jesus!! She is with the saints rejoicing and will never hunger, thirst, or feel pain. She has made it Home.
    I would like to share something I wrote on January 27, 2014:
    When the sorrow hits, joy overtakes when I think of everything The Lord has shown me. Peace washes over my soul when I think of her dancing in Heaven. This is God in the storm. This is what I’ve never truly had before. God is peace in the storms of life. The sorrow could wash me overboard if I let it but I cry out to Jesus when I feel this and He reminds me of all I was shown about our sweet Clim. She’s made it. She just went on before us and is waiting for us on that beautiful shore. God bless her beautiful soul. May we become as pure as her so we can join her one day. Matthew 18:1-6.

    “For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:6-8.

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  36. Annie
    April 29, 2014 | 2:42 pm

    Kim I am very sorry for your loss. I have never had to walk in that valley but I am praying for you still.
    Peace and blessings, sister!
    Annie

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  37. Joy
    April 30, 2014 | 10:18 am

    Love and prayers my friend.

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  38. Kelly
    May 2, 2014 | 1:39 am

    We just lost a baby boy in April…heard the heartbeat at two different dr’s appointments and then out of the blue I miscarried at home at 17 weeks(ended up in ER due to too much blood loss)…despite the painful nature of it all the Lord watched over me the whole time and I’m at peace knowing the little guy is in heaven. I’m sorry for your loss…thanks for writing this it gives a good perspective to a miscarriage!

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  39. Alma Mater
    May 4, 2014 | 5:48 pm

    I’m so, so sorry for your great, great loss. I know that you know that one day, you will have the immeasurable joy of meeting these two precious babies.

    I was briefly pregnant with our fourth child in spring 2012. Her due date would have been before Christmas. That fall, I became pregnant with our fifth child, even more briefly. The loss was just as devastating. And then, the very next month, I became pregnant with our sixth child, and she was our fourth-born last July. I ended up pregnant with her through both of those due dates. God is good, and can bring beauty from ashes.

    I will pray for your family tonight when I put my little ones to bed.

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  40. Your words, your description of your 13th baby and pregnancy are just beautiful … may your heart be comforted by Jesus. Thank you for sharing your story. {hugs}

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  41. Lisa Wykes
    May 6, 2014 | 10:52 pm

    Thank you for your post. I understand exactly what you are talking about. My husband and I have always wanted a large family. I have been pregnant 6 times but only 2 survived (my 2 beautiful daughters who are almost 7 years apart). My youngest is now 8 and I can tell you that even though there are times when I still grieve for those precious angels that I never got to hold, God has given me peace and new desires. You are so right when you say that His ways are higher then ours. He has a plan and what an awesome plan that is. Your family is in our family’s prayers. Psalm 46:10 Be Still & Know That I Am God.

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  42. Carrie
    May 6, 2014 | 10:59 pm

    Kimberly,

    My last baby was also due this coming November. He was my third miscarriage, but not in a row. We have been additionally blessed with four living children. I appreciate reading your gratitude about their brief life. I have been filled with a similar feeling. So grateful & enriched by their brief presence in the life on my family and so sad to not hold him & see his features.

    I know many prefer not to share about their lost babies, but for me it has been interesting peoples responses. So many husbands & wives have been on a similar path. Even those with loses from long ago seem to be re-touched by what is going on in my life. It is as if my child’s passing re-news the memory & value of their loss. It is a strange & difficult thing to describe, but I’m grateful to hear their stories. I know my children held only by Jesus are loved by more than just my family. It is a beautifully comforting thing to hear their stories and feel the love for all of our children. Not only is God by our side to help us with our suffering, but he has well-placed others to aid us in our sorrows.

    While I was startled to read about your loss at a similar time as I have experienced, hearing about your beautifully quiet #13 is a comfort and a joy.

    I pray your heart comes to a place of peace & contentment and that your body completely heals.

    Blessings,
    Carrie

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  43. Carrie
    May 7, 2014 | 8:32 am

    Hi again,

    I woke up thinking about our similarities of this moment. About a week after my miscarriage I started getting the “blues”. Thankfully I was already in a pretty good place spiritually so I knew what I was feeling was purely physically caused. My homeopath recommended & I found it helpful for myself some of the Young Living essential oils. I am using Peace & Calming, Joy, Valor & Frankincense. Fortunately, I have started to improve so I will not need to go the traditional medicine route.

    I hope you don’t have that experience, but if you do that might help. If you do & it isn’t working please go in for traditional help..

    I am sorry for your loss.

    Carrie

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  44. Lori
    May 16, 2014 | 10:37 pm

    Thank you for this post. I needed the encouragement.
    I am in the midst of my 5th miscarriage. We have 7 living.

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  45. Edee
    June 2, 2014 | 11:20 am

    Kimberly and Family – Our hearts ache over this most recent loss of yet another baby, but we are once again encouraged by your faithfulness to our sweet Lord. Your testimony is a light in the darkness. Come see us soon. Love y’all.

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